Month: August 2016

I think it’s time I share what’s going on. Since I got out of the hospital in July I’ve been scared of the dark. For the record, I’ve never been scared of the dark. I was always that kid with a flashlight and a book. So my stepmom encouraged me to write things down because there was so much bubbling in my spirit. Hence the posts I’ve put out. I usually get a temporary quieting in my soul but then the bubbles come back . But at night I realized I wasn’t sleeping nor resting properly. I’d wake up with high blood pressure, low blood sugar and a palpating heart. I was/am having night terrors. Nightmares are bad dreams; night terrors are things you see in the dark and I’m pretty sure you’re awake. My sister pointed out that this started when I started posting and this is spiritual warfare. My first thought was “ok, I’ll just stop posting “. If you know me, you know I don’t fight nor compete. But them bubbles, they went from a simmer to a boil. I actually feel compelled to write these things down for someone else to see. I become desperate to get to church on Sunday and every single Saturday night I get struck with some kind of painful acute condition. I’ve never seen myself as threatening, but clearly someone does. So I rock in pain, shed tired tears and pray. I put The Word on the terrors (Psalms 91:5 & 2 Timothy 1:7), and find old spirituals that feed my soul.
Pray for me y’all, I’m tired.

I once heard a pastor say that everything you go through is not for you. At first I thought what kind of malarkey is that? He went on to say that the Bible is full of people going through situations so we might see how to relate to them.
Ok, I’ll accept that. The issue I have is the Bible is complete. We read about their situations and the resolutions all at the same time. Life as we know it doesn’t work like that.
As an insulin dependent diabetic, the first 6 months of my kidney disease almost gave me a phobia about needles. Every other week I was in the hospital having surgery trying to get a working access for dialysis. I got 8 emergency catheters and got carved up like a Christmas ham. When they almost gave up on me I was introduced to a different option for treatment. I spent the next 5 years trying not to lose my mind and myself as the treatment prescription inched its way up to 12 hours a day, just to not be working as it should…….
As I look back, I realize God was there the entire time and He was using me to reach people. My nurse needed encouragement, not just professionally but personally. When my sister headed towards her renal failure journey, I was able to reassure fears and answer questions because I’d been there.
My struggle working full time and going to college when I could; someone was watching and got the courage to do the same.
As I sit on the other side of these situations and others like them; I find myself looking for God in all of it. And do you know He was there! His sustaining power is why I no longer have panic and anxiety attacks when I leave my house.
His sustaining power is why I could comfortably retire from my job at 31 as I ride this roller coaster that is my renal journey. I will admit to wanting off this ride because the intense moments were really bad and really painful. But it is great to know that He was with me the entire time and using my story to help someone else.

As I observe different relationships, I find myself wondering what balance they provide for each other. Does he have a temper and she’s the calm one? Or does she shop so often that he has to hide the money in a different account?
Recently I told my sister I discovered why I kept choosing the men I’ve had relationships with. For me, he didn’t need to have a lot of money or even a car, because I had both. All he had to do was like me and make me feel special. It didn’t matter if I wasn’t initially attracted to him, the mere fact that he approached me had me all in a tizzy. Why was that????
My teaching generation was a bit stingy with compliments and validation, but quite free with criticism. If I had been as life experienced then as I am now, I might have turned out a bit different. So I hooked up with good men who were bad for me.
I thank God for giving me reconciled bonding years with both of my parents before they died, but the damage is already done. So when I hear that God is our father, I think no thanks, not interested. When people talk about God’s love, I think how can that be, my own parents saw something in me that was not enough. But then……
God keeps revealing himself to me. He reminds me that He’s there in my valley experiences. I feel His presence in my darkest mental and emotional states. I observe transactions that clearly have His guidance. And then I worship.
I worship because His love is like a filler that fills in the cracks of my heart and mind. I worship because He takes the time to see about me. I run (amputee joke😄) to church on Sunday because I figure it’s my turn to go to His house. This is a total cliche, but I encourage you to seek Him while He can be found. I promise it’s worth it

I sometimes find it hard to remember God sees not just the bigger picture but eternity. There have been times when I was blatantly denied good things and the tantrum I had would have put a 3 year old to shame.
When I didn’t get the traditional college send off like my sisters did, I didn’t know that I needed the next 6 years to bond with my mom like never before. The year before she died I had feelings and visions that were most unsettling. Like most good Christians, I began rebuking the devil and buying books about prayers that avail much. Do you know you can’t rebuke a glimpse into the future? When it came to pass, I was so grateful! My world rocked most unsteadily, but not once did it tip over. My first Mother’s Day without her, I watched my then pastor weep almost inconsolably. Now I’ve known this man most of my life. I knew his mother had died years ago. I was only 4 months into this process and I thought to myself, “God, if this is how you treat your shepherds, then clearly I haven’t got a chance “. So, I walked away. Straight up told God “peace out” and entered into my prodigal years. Do you know He kept me even then? People I knew and some I didn’t kept trying to guide me back, but rebellion is a hard spirit to shake, at least for me.
Clearly I returned to the fold. I may not have been wallowing and eating with pigs, but I landed flat on my back with completely failed kidneys. Was I mad? Absolutely! I had rebellious friends that were living it up, but I’ve been called since I got here. But! I am ever so grateful for the entire experience. I discovered character traits and developed skills that probably couldn’t have come any other way. I learned that God really does never leave us, even when we walk away.
Just Grateful