I spent all of my 20’s with the idol of marriage before me. I wanted to be married more than anything in the world. It’s not abnormal but the obsession was unhealthy. I dated solely to see what kind of husband material he was….that’s where my issues began.
The dysfunction of my family; seen through my eyes as a child, was so deeply embedded in my psyche that I didn’t even know who I was. With each relationship I entered I became whatever he wanted. I wanted to be chosen, loved and made to feel special. Eventually a few of these relationships ended with a proposal or at least a serious talk about the future….and that’s when I cut out. I always told the poor guy that he didn’t even really know me. I will gladly take the blame for this because truthfully, it’s my fault. I’ve got 2 strands of DNA that make up who I am minus God’s help. So. Naturally I go from; passive, to passive aggressive, to explosive. By the time we’re talking rings, I was a boiling pot of resentment, frustration and disappointment. The poor guys don’t even know that God delivered them from me. I had no idea how to argue peacefully and leaving was my answer to everything; got that one by example. I was a messy hodgepodge of Bible principles and no idea or examples of how to live them out.
In my late 20’s I discovered an affinity for older people. I thank God everyday for the wisdom and knowledge I gained by simply spending time with them. I was told and I came to my own conclusion that I wasn’t ready. I still needed exposure to a Godly marriage where both spouses are committed to God and each other. I needed to see forgiveness for a grave offense in action and I needed time alone so God could show me who He was and the kind of love that lasts forever.
I’ve never been so grateful to have been denied what I thought I wanted most.
Skip to content
