Month: September 2016

It always amazes me the things that snuggle down deep inside us and forever after colors our view of the world.
With my issues and concerns about security, one would think my childhood was rife with my parents being unstable….so not the case.
I’ve lived in the same house my whole life except for the one year I moved out. I grew up a wee bit spoiled considering I’m the youngest, but I’m really far behind my sisters so sometimes I felt like an only. So no, those weren’t contributing factors. I’m almost ashamed to say this but my security issues arose from the fact that we changed churches like popping bacon grease.
Total tangent, but seemed like we always left before I got my treat in Sunday school. Don’t judge, but that was important back then.
But back to the subject at hand; I’ve been to and belonged to more churches than I can even remember. This was just the beginning of my trust issues, so I’m learning. My parents got divorced after 20+ years of marriage……who does that?!?! I had no frame of reference on how to handle this because churches weren’t teaching about divorce back then. I was so esconced in my religious teachings that I was surprised to find some of my friends weren’t living with both of their parents. (I thank God everyday for that particular deliverance).
I’ve mentioned my past desire to be married (again, delivered from that one as well) and I grew up under the teaching that most of the submission was on the wife’s part. As I watched my mom live this out, I decided that would never be me. Now I know everyone has a different love language and perhaps being so young I missed the reciprocation on my dad’s part, but the tension was so thick in my home that I really don’t believe there was any.
I know I’m rambling, but here’s my point…. I’ve asked God to show me areas I need to change and work on and this is area #1. I have a hard time trusting anyone and everyone, even if I love you….that includes God Himself. I keep expecting love to be expressed like a,b and c; but what I get is x,y and z. God is teaching me to be flexible or manageable if you will. We’re supposed to be like clay but I have a tendency to be like a stick of wood.
Trying to work out my kinks so I can be of some use to God. He’s been too good to me for me to have the same battles I’ve been delivered from. Every now and again a peek in the mirror gives us a not so pretty picture.

I really try to be self aware and I’m always up to learning something new, especially about myself. My problem comes with application. Sometimes I simply don’t know what to do with the new information. So……
With all the time I have since I medically retired from my job, I’ve been in constant prayer asking God to keep me and to show me, me. I just want to say, be careful what you ask for, you just might get it and definitely not the way you think.
So God and I are doing an inventory on me and it’s brought to my attention that there are some strong holds in my life. They are all spirits, but I’m not exactly battling with some of them. For example: rebellion is one I constantly battle with. I can almost feel myself becoming more than a little contrary sometimes and if I don’t catch myself, I will nestle down and stay there for a while.
There is a perverse sexual spirit hanging on my family. You can talk to any female and find that she was sexually accosted some kind of way. This spirit is generational. I know the church talks about generational curses, but they don’t always tell you what to do about them. It’s an absolute battle trying to break them buppies. So, in my case, I try to stay hyper aware of things that might seem harmless, but are actually triggers for me. I don’t watch tv and I rarely go to the movies. So those are no problems. I got trust issues, so tall dark and handsome doesn’t move me….much. But I read everything; or at least I used to. Love scenes leave me feeling so type of way, so I had to change the genre that I read. Homosexuals are cool people, but I can’t kick it too tight with them. That’s a spirit I don’t even wanna tangle with. Not because it’s worse than any other spirit; no, it’s because that type of spirit is like kryptonite to my family.
I’ve got a bunch of other known issues to wade through, but you get the picture.
I encourage you to ask God to show you, you. But be prepared to go to work! I used to think if I asked for a virtue God would wave His hand and Boop! I’d get what I asked for. No, not quite. I ended up working far harder than I expected, especially if it was a particularly tight hold.
I can assure you the experience is way eye opening and totally worth it.

This past week my pastor gave an awesome word titled “Love or Lust”. Truly thought provoking stuff, let me tell you. He asked do we love God or are we simply lusting after the things He can give us. I’ll admit, between my heavily medicated induced snoozes, I was thinking about my answer. I came up with neither.
Since honesty and transparency is what I’m striving for, here’s why. Fear has me so bound up in many areas of my life that I am constantly quoting the Word in my head. So…..I’m afraid to lust after the things He can provide because I’m not convinced He will give them to me. It’s all wrapped up in that trust issue I’ve got. I’m getting better, but it’s an arduous and lengthy process. I love God, (you don’t love God, what’s wrong wit chu?) please forgive me, I’ve got a severe case of song Tourette’s.
But really, I do love God, but I gotta be honest, I’m not itching to get to heaven to see Jesus, they have some of my most precious people up there and I miss them. I’m almost certain my peeps are up there, so I got fire insurance to ensure there’s a chance I’ll see them again. In case you are confused, fire insurance: is getting saved just so you won’t go to hell. I’m assuming God knows how I feel, which is why we keep meeting and He keeps revealing and reminding me who He is. I do know that He knows me….He knows I crave stability and knowledge. I don’t like mysteries, surprises and just not knowing stuff; which is why I excel at research. If the answer can be found, I’ll find it. This is why I seem to be perpetually frustrated. I don’t like the “mysteries of God “. I want to know. So I’ve convinced myself that I don’t need a mansion in Glory, I just want in the pearly gates.
Honesty is real, raw and relevant, but it’s where I am. Can’t get delivered if you don’t confront your issues.

I grew up churched. Was there seemed like every time the doors were open. Kids don’t know how good they have it with children’s church. An hour in Sunday school was it…so I grew up feeling like it didn’t matter what I did, I was going to hell. There was a lot of preaching about an Old Testament God. So much so that when this new wave of preaching came talking about God’s love, I had a hard time reconciling the two.
With that being said, I often heard that premarital sex will send you to hell. That’s all I got. No explanations, no defense lessons, nothing. As I look back, I realize my teaching generation was not equipped to treat children like thinking beings. So tactics like group dating and avoiding compromising situations weren’t explained. I honestly think they simply didn’t have the words to express it.
When one of my best friends had sex for the first time, I watched her for 2 years to see if she was going to drop dead…she didn’t. I came to the conclusion the church was lying.
Have I mentioned that rebellion is the strongest spirit I struggled/struggle with?
It was especially easy for me to wander away because I seemed to never be good enough. When someone strokes up what is being torn down, one tends to lean towards the affirmative.
The Song of Solomon (2:7 & 8:4) talks about not awakening love before its time. There’s a reason. Sex is so much more than physical pleasure. There’s a reason marriage is till death. You get joined spiritually and next thing you know you’re wondering why you keep having thoughts and feelings that aren’t yours.
To this day I have to rebuke images, urges, wants and feelings that are not mine. God promised to deliver us from our enemies, He said nothing about our friends. Every now and again I get friendly with these memories because they feel good, BAD idea!
I’m not a parent, but I encourage you to have a real talk with the next generation. They’re smarter than we were at that age and I’d love to save someone unnecessary heartache.

I once saw a poster that said, “Knowledge is knowing God is able, Faith is knowing He will”. I had to ponder this for a long time. It made me remember a conversation I had with my dad when I was spending massive amounts of time in the hospital. He told me if I had more faith I could be healed. I just want to say, I took offense to that. Romans 14 talks about the actions of two people with different faith levels. If yours allows you to do certain things don’t judge someone whose faith doesn’t let them. But of course my issues went a bit deeper than that.
In a conversation with my stepmom she told me it seemed like I didn’t trust God. As “churched” as I am, I began to sputter. Of course I trusted God….didn’t I?
When I think about it, no, I didn’t…and I’ll be honest, sometimes I still don’t.
I know that He is able, but I’m not always convinced He will for me. This is the kind of “stinking thinking ” that comes when you focus on all you don’t have; especially if those things have been prayed for. I had to learn to change my perception. I prayed for healing and expected to be condition free. What I got was His Amazing Sustaining power in the midst of my situations.
I prayed to be a witness to the people (my way) and what I got was a hospital ministry, reaching out and encouraging those that take care of others everyday.
I had to learn that there is a healing in being kept despite the circumstances and ministry isn’t confined to the pulpit.
I really love how God knows and meets me at the point of my issues even as He gently pushes me past them. This I know; He will do it for you too.

I’ve noticed a lot of preaching about how God wants you to be happy, healthy, sexy and wealthy. I can’t argue with that, but I don’t agree. One of my favorite songs starts off saying “God has not promised me sunshine, that’s not the way it’s going to be, but a little rain, mixed with God’s sunshine, a little pain makes me appreciate the good times ” (Be Grateful; Walter Hawkins). I listen to this song and others like it because sometimes I get disillusioned with God. If I only grabbed the promises that are being preached today , I’d probably have some more prodigal years ahead of me. During my more tumultuous years, I learned a few lessons. I’ve learned that happiness depends on what’s happening; that’s why we’re expected to have joy. Joy stays with you even when the situation sucks.
This was my lesson to learn. I’ve noticed that we all go through the same problem cycle until we get what God is trying to teach us.
So those de ja vu feelings, you’ve been there before and missed the point.
I’d like a change in venue, but I appear to have a hospital bed ministry. For real, no joke. My ray of sunshine shines the brightest once the pain meds have kicked in. I encourage, bolster and befriend folks every single time I’m in there; from the ER to my personal attendants. I even get those who aren’t even on my care team coming to me on their breaks, trying to figure me out. How am I joyful with all my issues?
Nothing but God!!!

We all know the the last days began after the day of Pentecost, but I submit that we are living in the last minutes of time.
I usually stay away from political topics, but this one struck my very heart. I’ve read 3 instances where women and girls were raped and the rapist went free with no consequences. The females were slandered and all but accused of asking for it.
I first want to applaud these young ladies for having the courage to do what I never did; and that’s go to the authorities. It almost appears for naught because they just got a huge dose of psychological trauma on top of their other issues. I understand.
In 2001 I was raped by my then boyfriend. Society has conditioned us to believe all kinds of fallacies about rape. No matter what a woman is wearing, she is never “asking ” for it. The man is not always a stranger popping out of a bush; and yes the effects are LONG lasting. Because I believed all of this, I was confused. I had said No and for the first time in my life sex hurt. I confided in someone I trusted because I really didn’t know what to think or feel. She told me it was My Fault.
So, on top of my feeling like I wasn’t good enough, I entered into this phase of severe self condemnation.
Being a churched girl, I believed her. I brought this on myself because I was living in sin. I want you to know God was looking out for me even then. I told no one else and simply shut down like I’m prone to do.
The following week my mom told me to come walk with her. In my mind I was trying to remember any infractions I’d committed, I couldn’t think of any. Do you know the Holy Ghost told her what happened? I was astonished and then I was scared. I couldn’t take someone else telling me it was my fault. She didn’t. She comforted me and asked me if I wanted to report it. Being the mouse that I was, I said no.
The healing process was lengthy and painful. What self esteem I had was shattered. I wasn’t comfortable with any male person, not even my friends in my youth group and I lost all confidence in my own judgment.
There’s no happy ending, but it took a lot of prayer and time for me to emerge from the condemned mindset I had; just a note…..
It Is Never Your Fault.