Month: July 2017

Song: Promise Keeper by Freed Hammond

I often read the Old Testament and think “what’s the matter with them folks?? Hasn’t God proven Himself time and time again?”…..and then I get a situation that makes what the Israelites were feeling clear.
When they were in the wilderness and faced with the Red Sea they grumbled. They were free, but grumbling.
Welcome to how I’m feeling now.
Egypt was the devil they knew, the wilderness was taking them to a better place, but the journey was rough.
I’ve got all new meds and I’m itching and feeling bipolar and hurting and can’t tell you what’s causing what. I hate it.
My labs reveal that Karen is doing everything she’s supposed to, but I’m not bouncing back like I feel I should. I guess major surgery will do that to you. My blood sugars are all over the place, frustrating me immensely because diabetes is the One area I had stabilized. I’ve got tremors like soft jello in an earthquake and I’m walking around singing about Freedom, cause I’m missing my car and the illusion of being free.
I’ve had to make a seasonal playlist because I need specific songs feeding my spirit. Songs that remind me that God is good, a promise keeper, that He’s given me this day and that I’ve got perfect peace if I keep my thoughts on Him.
This process is a bit much right now, but every time I feel a tantrum building I remind myself that He has a plan, a hope and a future designed just for me.
So I pipe myself down and pray for patience and another sneak peek at my purpose, cause there is obviously something I’m meant to do.

Song: Love’s in Need by John P. Kee

Most people go around spreading, uhm, stuff. Then we adopted the “spread love” chant. Well, I must go above and beyond!!!
I spread Love and Music!!!
UCLA East wing will be bumping in the future 😅. I’ve introduced to all ages, colors and positions: Richard Smallwood (💖), Commissioned-pre solo acts, The Winans, Carmen and the Christ Church Choir, etc.
something about harmony and chords that make you shiver; you don’t know if it’s the Spirit or the music, but you gotta move!💞💞

Can’t remember the artist…..
🎼Need a touch of your Spirit Lord
From the inside out.
And I need to be made whole
From the inside out.
Yeah, yeah,
I need you to cleanse me Jesus,
From the inside out.
Oh, whatever you do,
Whatever you do….oooo,
Do it from the inside out

Song: Thank You by Richard Smallwood

I’ve read and had the scriptures read to me for as long as I’ve been alive. But Nothing beats seeing them come to life. I’m usually pretty good with patterns but sometimes I am Really Slow with connections. I left the hospital Wednesday feeling like I might just at least start looking into what it takes to write and publish a book. Enter wave of distractions number one. I started feeling off, dog dead tired and hot. Yesterday I spent the day sleeping and castigating myself for not feeling well enough for my normal push through. The heat I’m feeling has been notched up and by the time I’m admitted I’m feeling decidedly fragile.
I get dialysis, spend time with my bestie and looking at the top of the world. And. Then. The. WOOSH!!! My God!!!! I feel like I’m being burned at the stake from the inside out. Im not in much pain, but I’m completely unsettled because people are looking at me funny. I’m trying to explain what I feel and I’m getting Extremely Frustrated because to me you should be able to feel this heat feet away. They take my temp, normal. They touch me, even I can feel the normality in that touch, but as soon as they retreat, I’m once again consumed everywhere. I feel like a void.
I have the AC turned all the way up(down?) hoping to influence my body from the outside. In my own personal Hell, literally. I’m shivering from responding nerves and burning inside. I lose a little Robin every moment. I can’t laugh or smile or anything. I’m starting to feel fragile in my brain and I’m looping around negative thoughts in my head because that’s the only place I can hear…..but I never turned off my music.
My nurse is looking like she wants to call the PET team and I’m gridlocked in misery. Want to know what penetrated?
🎼so many times I’ve fallen, Lord you forgave me, Thank You, Thank You.
Unmerited favor and brand new mercies,
Thank You, how I Thank You, for waking me up this morning and letting me see a new dawning, Thank You🎼.
Hit repeat and this was what broke me out and set me free. My care person asked what was I listening to, I told her gospel, she said I know, but this is old and has Power! She proceeds to tell me although she wasn’t assigned to me in my other room she could hear from the nurses station outside my door. She kept asking people about me but wasn’t getting satisfactory answers so she popped in. She said she heard a song and something inside broke. Tears streaming and burdens lifted from her and she didn’t even know my name.
Daniel 6 talks about Daniel’s friends being thrown into a fiery furnace. 3 went in but when the king looked, that fourth one looked like the Son of God!!!!
💃🏿💃🏿💃🏿💃🏿💃🏿💃🏿💃🏿💃🏿💃🏿💃🏿💃🏿💃🏿💃🏿
If you see me in distress, freaking out, losing my natural mind, know that I got something deep on the Inside that won’t let me go too far. It won’t give me more than WE can handle! And it won’t let me hold my peace…..excuse, but I’m going In!😭😭😭😭😭

Being re-admitted to the hospital. I am not feeling this, at all. No one seems overly concerned, but you know me. Doing all I can not to flail about and lay prostrate before the Lord.
I gotta say In God I Trust… really. And I know He has big plans for me, but could someone shoot me an availing prayer? I’m gonna need constant reassurance or meds too many more hiccups or blocks.

Song: It’s All God by The Soul Seekers

I’ve never truly been overwhelmed with gratitude.
I submit that I am today.💖
Having moments to remember certain blessings simply cannot compare to see a bigger piece of the plan God unveils for you. I’ve met amazing people during this journey of mine and I’m sure the different area of my life shown at that time had people both questioning and praying; why? Maybe I met you as struggled with retiring before 30. Had more bills than money and any cut looked detrimental. Maybe I told you about my solid, straight line plan to become a MSW, just to be thwarted at every turn by things truly out of my control. Perhaps we met during my spin cycle years in and out the hospital, losing pieces of my body, peace, hope and faith each and every time. Or you watched me succumb to the peer group failure trap as I saw myself missing developmental milestones on my own timeline. If we’ve met, you’ve seen something…
Psalms 27:13 has David believing that he would see the goodness of God in the land of the living. A song with this verse came to me when I needed it most. It became my personal rally cry. As long as I was still breathing there was goodness to be seen. So I began to look.
I sit here wailing with love, gratitude and faith because I can clearly see and show you too. I’ve got my first bag of anti-rejection meds and the like for $42. Please believe health coverage and finances was a concern.
Energy, personal body heat and an appetite.
Although not suicidal, please know hopelessness was pervasive.
My amazing support system showed up today for education classes.
Understand my parents were dead and I hadn’t grasped that unconditional love could be available to someone feeling so inherently unlovable.
Crying so hard I can’t see😭😭…
But there is So Much More!!!!
Last quote from a favorite song:
“If I was just anybody, I’d say it’s all good; But I Know Better!!! It’s All GOD!!”
-Soul Seekers: Its All God

To start, I like Food! Always have, always will. So, I managed to get a real meal and man! You’ve never met a happier belly. I sing and dance with my food and praise dance when it’s on the way.
So I figured I was doing this thang the way God and I know how And Bam! I feel that tingling feeling that I gotta go!!
Excuse me, but, 💃🏿💃🏿💃🏿💃🏿💃🏿💃🏿🙌🏾.
I’m strutting around like a 3 year old “ha ha! I did that!”. Of course my day was starting too well, which is why I’m hungry!
I had dialysis this morning, no biggie, I’ve been doing that for 9 years. I’m flushed with success, stuffed with apple crepes sausage and hard boiled egg (1800 ada diet)(🙏🏾Won’t He Do It?) and I am plotting my next 5 meals in this place.
I get off dialysis and discover I’ve been bumped down to clear liquids again!😵😵
I died!! I was making my over to the Chicken Primavera!! Now that my fluid restrictions are lax, I don’t wanna drink!! I wanna eat!!!
Please forgive my whine, but there can be no transplant without transparency

Ok… so you know I’m really superwoman, in my mind anyway 😂. I started walking around yesterday and progressed with each trip. Progress equals an additional 3 steps, don’t get too excited. I quickly realized I am really made out of al dente pasta. I get reassurance from every doctor that stops by that everything is going along nicely, But you know me.
So I keep my music (Richard Smallwood) pumping in my room and keep those unceasing prayers floating up. It really is all about His Timing. I’ve even rekindled my hospital bed side ministry! Sometimes just speaking to someone brightens their day. Keep me in your prayers as I try not to get too anxious about the slowly awakening Karen the Kidney. They told me she was sleeping and if she’s anything like me, we don’t get up too fast

So much to share and so Blessed to be able to do so. My birthday was last week and it was just after my appointment at UCLA transplant services. If you know me, you know I’ve been kinda depressed with a bright smile and totally anti-transplant. I’ve been in dialysis for 9 years and my constant prayer was for stability, cause amusement parks had Nothing on this rollercoaster. I left that appointment with a feeling so foreign that I had to meditate and pray for identification because I truly didn’t know what it was. Hope! That feeling was the flicker or reemergence of hope. Instead of wishing for this life and all its pain to go away, I was now looking to the future and tentatively making plans!
8 days later I was in my way to dialysis, just like every morning, stopping to get breakfast pt1 when I got a phone call. There was a kidney with my name on it!!!!
It never even crossed my mind to say no. Insert Divine Wisdom and Timing right here!!!
July 5, 2017 I became a kidney transplant recipient!! 😇😇😂😂
Everyone, meet Karen the Kidney!! The newest and most welcome addition to my body!!!!
Ps….I really don’t like this phrase……BUT….
Won’t He Do It???!?!