That’s a variation of a line by Kevin Hart…if cursing offends you, do not check him out.
So yesterday I had my weekly Clinic visit and I kept getting this feeling I wasn’t coming home. And….I didn’t.
I go to my first appointment after labs, missing breakfast and I’m waiting to go over results so my day can continue as I’m dreaming about lunch. My numbers are wonky and I’m stressing. I’m debating whether or not to reveal how bad I really feel or to push through with my head in the sand. That’s my tendency ya know.
I’m told they’re sending me to ER and I can feel the tingle at the base of my spine. If you have kids or seen them in the store, you recognize the flexibility it takes to have the tantrum I feel building up. I end up going from one doctor to another to another and no one can tell me anything! By this time I’ve tuned in to my internal rhythm because this tantrum is about to show up and show out!…..
But then I remember…..
Perfect peace is mine to have if I shift my focus and perspective (Isaiah 26:3).
Peace that surpasses all understanding, including mine is within reach ( Philippians 4:7).
Nothing in my life catches God by surprise (Jeremiah 29:11).
So I piped myself down, reminded myself that Karen and I are not together by accident and that perhaps I’m supposed to be doing something while I’m here…..
I got a hug from a doctor, a hug from the CT Scan technician, had a delightful conversation with laboratory technician and spent most of the evening talking and praying with my nurse.
See, the way my life is set up, all things work together for my good and His Glory.
Not how I planned my day, but it was productive I’d say
I’m going to start talking to myself if I don’t get my laptop set up.
So today I had lunch with a dear friend of mine and I mentioned considering going back to work when I finally get the all clear from my doctors. It really is something to think about and if you know me, you know I got instantly excited. Not really to be going back to my old work site, but more as another plausible reason not to do what I know I should.
I keep my head tilted to the right because it always feels like I’m hearing things, when it’s actually just more disturbance to my peace. So today I heard, “whose deliverance are you holding hostage?”. My instant reply was “no one”.
Not True!
God has to almost literally push me to open up to someone. I’ve got like 6 people in my inner sanctuary and a couple more in the inner circle. But these aren’t the people that need to hear my story. There are things my family don’t know and yet I’m supposed to share them with a stranger? Nuh, unh! Not gonna happen, I don’t get down like that.
Why not?
Simply put, I’m either ashamed (I knew better) or full of pride (not anyone’s business), or I’m scared (judgement can be harsh). God politely points to a couple of my favorite Bible characters and asks me, What if? Where would the Israelites be if Moses let his issues stop him ( Exodus 3:1). What if Gideon let his feelings of inferiority stop him (Judges 6:11). And while on the subject, I also realized that though Jesus walked the Earth, gentiles weren’t accepted until He went through the whole experience of Calvary.
I’m trying to be obedient but I’ve got anxiety and excuses like you wouldn’t believe. I also don’t want to mess with someone’s window of deliverance because I withheld the story that would click for them….pretty sure I’d have to answer for that.
Pushing through my issues towards my purpose
Song: Born for This by Bebe Winans ft. Stephanie Mills
I might have mentioned that I’ve turned into an extreme introvert. I used to walk that fine line between outgoing and shy, but I hit my 30s and people became a problem. So as I go through this process with Karen the kidney, I’m feeling a bit, how do I say it, inside out. Have you seen the movie? Really great one, but it’s simply about the inner dialogues we have with ourselves and emotions. I will admit I have an additional character not found in the movie; I’ll call her Church Mother. For you fancy folks, she’s like the super ego on steroids, bingeing on jelly beans.
So I’m getting all these feelings and sermons and videos and comments seemingly answering my question to God about what’s my purpose. The first thing I heard was “what was placed in your heart, what’s your passion”? I live in a perpetual state of apathy, now…..but I wasn’t always like this. I grab my shovel and go digging to see what’s buried under all this baggage God never meant for me to carry. Can I say this well runs Deep. I make pit stops at stones that look pretty and shiny and like a good idea, but they turn out to be fake because they were made by me allowing my circumstances to dictate my direction.
Something whispers “go deeper “.
I get to what looks like the end of the tunnel and all I see is this stone that I’ve convinced myself is covering the great unveiling of my purpose. I pick it up, intending to toss it over my shoulder but it’s warm. The longer I hold it, the hotter and brighter it gets. It looks like a regular rock, but it trembles and dirt starts falling off. I see all the dreams I thought I once wanted but something always happened. (In case you missed it, I’m very grateful for this)
It finally stops flickering and is resting on my original dream, I’m talking way back in grade school. I wanted to be a writer. Not television or movies or how to fix your life stuff, but things that would keep people from feeling some of the feelings I felt. Someone to relate to and just maybe, someone to make God seem less mystical and more like a very present help.
I have bought a website, a laptop and can’t even eat in peace for all the topics and phrases running round my head……
Now if I could just get out of my own way….
Dear God,
I would like to formally withdraw my audition for Wonder Woman and Supergirl and any other heroine.
Feel free to pass these trials on to a more deserving child of yours. I hear Job has been bragging about coming through with flying colors, go on and visit him.
Sincerely,
I got a Yet Praise, but tired of the pain and complications
Perhaps if I share this I’ll get a full nights’ sleep.
I’ve been diabetic since forever, but I only got diagnosed at 19. If you know anything about diabetes you can recall that it was categorized as juvenile and adult on-set before being type I and II. Those names from before sound self explanatory but they weren’t and didn’t really tell the patient anything.
During my hospital stay for my transplant I learned that there was a test that could determine which type you were. Guess what? I’m a type I diabetic. In case you missed the, for lack of a better term, joy, in my tone, it’s there. 💃🏿 Yes being diabetic sucks, less now than before, but what I got was a Huge weight lifted off my heart and mind. You see, I was functioning under the assumption that I did this to myself. My senior year of high school had me so strung out that I literally had a sugar daddy on my way to school….5 times a week. So when I got diagnosed, I accepted it with the passive apathy that is my default demeanor and lived with whatever got told or given or done to me. Which leads me to something I noticed….
John 8:1-11 tells the story of the woman caught in the act of adultery. If you’ve had any kind of religious teaching, you are probably aware that it wasn’t really about her and more about trapping Jesus in a punishable offense. But let me share what I saw. So the Pharisees bring her before Jesus trying to get something on Him and maybe get a stoning as a side order. Jesus says the oft quoted; “he who is without sin, cast the first stone”. And, just in case someone was having a delusional episode, Jesus starts writing in the dirt. We don’t know what He wrote, but I’m firmly convinced He was exposing some dirt. You know how some folks forget their dirt but catalog yours with a Dewey Decimal system……
What struck me as strange was, after all her accusers had left, the woman was still there. Why? Personally, I would’ve been gone before Jesus realized the others were gone. I believe she was still there because of self-condemnation. You can combat the things people hurl at you because defense mechanisms load you up with grenades to launch back or shields to deflect. There is no such protection when the battle wages from the inside.
Half of my anti-transplant feelings came from self condemnation. I wilded (not a real word) so tough the year before my kidney failure diagnosis, that there was no convincing me that I didn’t deserve this issue and that God wasn’t personally over seeing my punishment. There were times when I felt like an ant under a hot magnifying glass, with God making sure the light always stayed on me. Real talk,. Ever been there?
Romans 10:17 says faith comes by hearing, and hearing by the Word of God.
I can honestly say, I might not have been in the center of God’s will, but that doesn’t mean I left His sight. He is El Roi, the God that sees me. He saw that I felt unworthy and undeserving of healing. He knew I was castigating myself with every new crop of problems and complications, as I slowly leaked out my will to live, because you see, I did this to myself. He also knew that faith comes by hearing and hearing by the Word of God.
So He sent me songs that spoke to my situation and echoed in my head. He sent people with kind words and some who needed me to come out of myself to reach them because I could touch or see what wasn’t visible to the natural eye. And finally, He sent reminders that He is the God of grace and mercy. Grace is getting what you don’t deserve: unmerited favor. Mercy is Not getting what you Do deserve: pardons and lesser punishments.
After my Type I Diabetes diagnosis, I feel like the woman left with Jesus when He asked, “woman, where are your accusers? Has no one condemned you”?
And just like her I can answer, “no one Lord”. Just as He said to her, and is saying to me, and He’ll say to you: ” neither do I condemn you, go and sin no more”.
