Month: September 2017

Courtroom oath….

Song: I Refuse by Anthony Brown and Group Therapy

Remember back in the day, witnesses had to repeat an oath before their testimony? “Do you solemnly swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help you God”?
Well I wish we could expect this from everyone, at all times.
As I battle with another snafu in this transplant journey I find myself filled to the brim with emotions I don’t usually dabble with. They could be caused by my always adjusting meds or it could be a crack in my severely suppressed vault of acceptable emotions. Whatever the case I find myself needing more and more time alone so I don’t actually say what I truly feel.
I thank God that I don’t offend easily and that I often consider the person and their intentions before I respond to anything. But I Must tell the truth!
When well intentioned people quip oft quoted scriptures at me, I get mad.
There, I said it out loud. You’re probably thinking what kind of Christian gets mad at being told Gods’ Word?….Me.
I come from the name it and claim it religious upbringing, which inversely makes the opposite true; don’t name it and hope it disappears. So I now have a deep desire for the whole truth. Maybe my faith won’t earn me a place in the Faith Book of Fame (Hebrews 11), but I’ve got just enough to keep me holding on when things get rough or down right dire as they seem apt to do……
So when people say to me,”by His stripes you are healed (Isaiah 53:5)”, I have to take a deep breath and say thank you. I know they mean well, but as my body is wracked with pain I’m thinking; what if my situation is like Paul and the thorn in his flesh (2Corinthians 12:7-10). Paul asked 3 times for deliverance and God said no. God actually said other things but when you are hurting simple is best. Paul accepted his situation and readjusted his thinking about God and attained the lesson that thorn was meant to teach.
This is where I am. I know He is able, but if I’m supposed to learn something then I have to adjust my perspective because anger and bitterness are two whispers away.
I haven’t yet reached that place Jesus was at in the garden (Matthew 26:36-46). I pray and cry out, but I haven’t yet reached that place of nevertheless your will be done Father.
When people ask me what they should pray for, I respond God’s Will. I won’t say healing because my idea of healing is the absence of the problem, God sees healing as the fixing and adjusting of my heart and mind during the problem.
It has taken a while to get here, especially when apathy is my default demeanor, but with each crop of issues I find myself aligning with Job; Though He slay me, Yet will I trust Him           (Job 13:15).

Robins’ Real Talk….

Song: How Awesome is Our God by Israel Houghton

2 months post transplant….
I wanted to post over the last week, but I couldn’t. I didn’t have, or couldn’t see the turning point for my story. God said post anyway, I said no.
With all the problems going on around the country and the world right now my myopic view of my problems seemed to reek of egocentrism. But it’s the reality I face daily, so here we go.
I go to the clinic every week and each time something is wrong or off. As I prepare for my second surgery since July 5th, I keep having reminiscent feelings of my first round with kidney disease, it was not pretty….still not sure who won. I keep getting cut open before the last cut has fully healed and now I’ve got new pain over old throbbing pain and I ain’t feeling none of it. A week or so ago someone asked me how I was, I gave my PC by rote answer “fine”. I give this answer to anyone and everyone that speaks to me. Sometimes I don’t have the energy to go through my current mental list to see who’s safe to reveal the real me to. It’s not a lie, but I got more layers than a yellow onion. So the person asked me how was my heart…almost automatically I started to respond “fine”, but my head said wait, this is a new and different question. I did a quick inventory and surprised myself with what I saw….
I might have mentioned that I tango regularly with a rebellious spirit, but did I mention it’s a line dance with his homies?? So even when I disentangle myself from rebellion, I quickly find myself dancing with bitterness, envy, frustration and little man, anger. These guys are just the appetizers for my Big Poppa, Apathy.
It’s all creeping up on me so slowly that I almost missed the signs. I cry, I pray, I plead and then I start shutting down. By this past weekend I was done posting and sharing, I was done pushing through and I was completely over people. Any of them, my family included.
You ever have those moments where you are done with God but He’s not done with you? I go to my appointment yesterday fully prepared for whatever is said, I’m planning my breakfast, lunch and a pint of sherbet and emotionally I’m chilled. My nurse asked me, “how was church yesterday”? Inside I’m thinking, I either have an approachable face or I’m not scowling correctly. We get to my examine room and there’s another nurse there to help her. She then asks, “what was the sermon about”? I tell her and as I’m speaking I remember not only the notes I took but the thoughts I had as well.
(That’s impressive for me, my memory is as big as a gnat 😅) They both said they were gonna go research the topic and find out more…..wow.
My appointment ends, my numbers are still wonky, I get reminded of my pending surgery next Tuesday and get checked out. I get to my car and start talking to what appears to be myself, but I know He was listening. I thanked Him for allowing me to be a bright light even though I feel my bulb is dim and flickering. I thanked Him for providing me with safe people for this period of my life, people that love God, love me and will always direct me back to Him…..and I thanked Him for going before me and making the crooked places straight (Isaiah 45:2); but if we could work on making those straight places smooth I’d be most appreciative