Song: I Refuse by Anthony Brown and Group Therapy
Remember back in the day, witnesses had to repeat an oath before their testimony? “Do you solemnly swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help you God”?
Well I wish we could expect this from everyone, at all times.
As I battle with another snafu in this transplant journey I find myself filled to the brim with emotions I don’t usually dabble with. They could be caused by my always adjusting meds or it could be a crack in my severely suppressed vault of acceptable emotions. Whatever the case I find myself needing more and more time alone so I don’t actually say what I truly feel.
I thank God that I don’t offend easily and that I often consider the person and their intentions before I respond to anything. But I Must tell the truth!
When well intentioned people quip oft quoted scriptures at me, I get mad.
There, I said it out loud. You’re probably thinking what kind of Christian gets mad at being told Gods’ Word?….Me.
I come from the name it and claim it religious upbringing, which inversely makes the opposite true; don’t name it and hope it disappears. So I now have a deep desire for the whole truth. Maybe my faith won’t earn me a place in the Faith Book of Fame (Hebrews 11), but I’ve got just enough to keep me holding on when things get rough or down right dire as they seem apt to do……
So when people say to me,”by His stripes you are healed (Isaiah 53:5)”, I have to take a deep breath and say thank you. I know they mean well, but as my body is wracked with pain I’m thinking; what if my situation is like Paul and the thorn in his flesh (2Corinthians 12:7-10). Paul asked 3 times for deliverance and God said no. God actually said other things but when you are hurting simple is best. Paul accepted his situation and readjusted his thinking about God and attained the lesson that thorn was meant to teach.
This is where I am. I know He is able, but if I’m supposed to learn something then I have to adjust my perspective because anger and bitterness are two whispers away.
I haven’t yet reached that place Jesus was at in the garden (Matthew 26:36-46). I pray and cry out, but I haven’t yet reached that place of nevertheless your will be done Father.
When people ask me what they should pray for, I respond God’s Will. I won’t say healing because my idea of healing is the absence of the problem, God sees healing as the fixing and adjusting of my heart and mind during the problem.
It has taken a while to get here, especially when apathy is my default demeanor, but with each crop of issues I find myself aligning with Job; Though He slay me, Yet will I trust Him (Job 13:15).