It’s often a word that’s used so frequently and so casually that I often forget how magnificant it is. The closest example I have is the grace period you receive after a payment is late. Past the due date is when the late fee or “punishment” is supposed to start accruing, but companies give you a window to correct your mistake and make things right. If you are studious and careful about your credit, then you know how significant this grace period is. It makes you grateful for the benevolence that the company is granting and you make promises to never do it again. As I fan the ember of my dream to go to graduate school, I’m in serious freak out mode. I started the application and by the end of the second page I’m in tears; feeling woefully insignificant, unprepared and unworthy of the whole process. I find the contrast between now and when I first applied before my kidneys failed to be so parallel to my spiritual walk. Initially when I applied and got accepted to grad school, I’ll admit, I was cocky. I had freshly crossed the stage with 2 Bachelor degrees in my hand, a pretty decent GPA and a cloudy view of what I wanted to do with them. My kidneys failing stripped me of almost everything but my tenacity to get another degree. You see, that new degree was going to define me and enable md to say, “yeah, I’m sick, but I’m educated and prosperous”. Perhaps that’s why I couldn’t have it then? At no point was I praying to God or even acknowleding Him in the process because I felt I could to it myself since I had done it all alone thus far. Now 13 years, numerous surgeries and a broken and humbled spirit and heart, I’m struggling not only with my identity, but I see that if God doesn’t go with me or direct my path, then I probably shouldn’t be on that road. I’m applying to my dream school, for my dream degree and I feel so insignificant and unworthy…and then I remembered God loves me anyway.
He loves me when I’m listening to His every word and He loves me when I’m convinced that I know best. He loves me when I can quote an entire chapter from the Bible and He loves me when I forget to anoint my steering wheel with oil and the road rage demon gets ahold of me. I realized that nothing I could do would make me worthy of His love and nothing I could do can remove me from His love. Just like that, I understood Grace.
So I’ve closed my laptop for the night, bowed my head in prayer and acknowledged that God is in control over my life. If the application is accepted, Glory to His Name. If the application gets rejected, Glory to His Name. I know that His Name is worthy of All Honor and All Praise and is Never dependent on my circumstances.
Thank You God