I want to be noticed, but not seen. I want to be known, but not really. I want accolades without having to respond and attention without fear of criticism or rejection. I want what I want, but I want to do God’s will. I want to help, but I don’t want to get too involved. That leads to expectations, anticipation and presumptions; all the things I’m trying to avoid. All of this makes me who I am, passive, stagnant and stuck. Every new idea is like an expensive firecracker; beautiful, loud and short lived.
I don’t recognize this place. It’s not the wilderness because the landscape is rife with lush ideas, excitement and encouragement. But I don’t feel it. In fact, I don’t feel much of anything, neither good nor bad. Has a part of me shutdown and I missed the countdown? Perhaps this is what apathy feels like in cognitive awareness. Almost as though my life experiences are being narrated by me, in third person. My narrative isn’t omnipresent because I have nothing other than a vague awareness of the future. The present is like an ocean current, always ebbing and flowing from one moment to the next. Perhaps I should show Grace to myself. I always seem to have some for everybody else.
Maybe it’s ok to just be.
iT IS okay to be you. However you do not want to settle for mediocrity. Fly , Fly like a bird.