Month: May 2019

What’s in your hand?
Perhaps like me you feel change in your atmosphere. You’re not where you used to be, it’s not quite as foggy where you are and the future still seems murky but sunlight is piercing through. Perhaps you’ve confirmed your dreams or purpose, but something just feels stagnant; like an invisible block is in front of you. You try really hard not to look around at other people flourishing in their paths, but you kinda can’t help it because it seems like they just started and you’ve been simmering for years. I’d like to share what I’ve come to realize.
I’ve always had a gift or talent, but I wasn’t sure exactly what it was because it came so naturally to me; I express myself in writing best. I’ve taken it for granted because I’ve been doing it forever; what I didn’t understand was how valuable it was/is. Coming out of what I consider one of the most traumatizing decades of my life, I had lost touch with how important it was to me personally. I had nestled myself so deeply in apathy that I stopped writing and even stopped speaking unless under duress. So, now I’m writing everyday about everything. I’ve been told and I felt like I was supposed to write a book, so I did. When I finished the stages of giving an offering was revealed to me. The first draft of my book has been edited twice and I can actually hold it in my hand, looking exactly as I thought it would. It’s not available to the public because my heart wasn’t right. I wrote the book initially because I figured that if I did, my purpose would be complete and I could die in peace; it’s not my time yet. That was stage one of my offering; definitely half baked.
Once I figured I would see a few more years top soil, I turned my book into a bargaining chip with God. I actually asked Him if I produced a book would He give me my heart’s desire. Couple of problems with this stage; one, God doesn’t bargain and two, I don’t really know what my heart desires anymore. All my time alone has given me a great appreciation for me and God Time. I’m not responsible for or to anyone else and it’s a great feeling. My singleness, which was once a dread albatross is now celebrated and greatly valued because I can barely stand me sometimes; someone else would be too much. In this time I’m taking to time to ponder the desires I thought I so fervently needed; were they absolutely necessary, would they really make me happy, etc. My conclusion is a firm no to all those questions. I think I was just floating down the river of what I thought was suppossed to happen, not actually considering what would best suit me. God has gret timing because my boat could’ve capsized in an expensive land, costing much money, energy and emotions.
I’m now headed to stage three of offering, where my gift is revealed to me and how valuable it could be if I truly invest in it. Natural gifting doesn’t exclude due diligence and preparation. I’ve invested money and time with no issues, but I had never placed my heart, expectations and true energy into it. What’s inside of me is valuable and like most things of value, I needed time in pressure cookers to slough off past emotions, ideologies and to see if anything from my past is worth keeping. Here’s a hint, not much is coming into the future with me. I couldn’t have known that without time and pressure to work through seen and unseen issues. Sometimes God has to protect us from ourselves and others who may mean well, but if the timing is off then the gift doesn’t feel like it.
What situations or decisions are you trying to rush through because you believe the things you want most are on the other side? I can sadly say I am just now learning how to be present in the present. The other side has always appealed so much to me that I may have missed the treasures along the way that would have made my arrival glorious. Allow God to cultivate you in this time of impatience and frustration, I promise the results will far exceed your expectations.

As far as I can remember I’ve always been an avid reader. Probably started around the time I figured out how hard it was to hear the television from the distance my parents deemed safe. I liked to read more than just about anything! As I got older I got a wee bit more impatient, so I started skipping ahead to read the last chapter. My anxiety gets relieved and I’m no longer interested in the process the characters went through. The end of every chapter is rife with situations and emotions that make me feel like I simply can’t take another thing happening. I was talking about the fiction books that I read, but I realize that I’m speaking of my life too.
I’ll just start by saying this is a trust issue and you’re probably aware that I’m going to be struggling with it till I see Jesus. Now, on to the good stuff. I’ve been known to read a complete book overnight in my voracity to know what happens next. Especially if I pre-ordered it and the series had been rudely halted until its arrival. I’ve also been known to become like chicken little when I lost a book I was in the middle of reading. The sky fell, my brain began to loop as I wondered how the story ended. Was the ending happy? Did the villain get caught? Did true love triumph? What Happened?!?
God had to show me that I don’t have that same voracity for my own life. I trust the authors of the fiction I bury myself in to work through the complexities of their characters, but I don’t trust my creator to work through mine. I’ve genuinely wanted to end my story, not myself, at various chapters of my life. When my grandma died, when my parents got divorced, when my cycle started (Ha!), when my first boyfriend and I broke up, when my mom died, etc. I’m about to turn the page (in 1 month and 18 days) and start chapter 40 of my life now and can honestly say I can’t even imagine what I was thinking then.
Oh, yes, I remember. I was so focused on the trials I felt I was being dragged through and the punishments I felt I deserved that I lost sight of the facts. The fact that All Things are Working for My Good (Roamans 8:28). That’s GREAT NEWS!!! That means everything I did right, all the little mistakes and ALL the bombs that exploded from the wrong mixing of stuff are all going to be used to make my story still have a happy ending.                         If you feel like this particular chapter sucks, no matter why, fret not thyself. The Creator, Author and Finisher of your faith and your story knows the ending. Ask for a sneak peek to hold you through this, c’mon, turn the page.

It’s graduation season and I’m surrounded by happy graduates. Some I can genuinely celebrate, some I’m happy for and a couple I’m kinda like, “good for ya”. Not hating, but most of these celebrations make me want to crawl under a rock and cry.
I think I’ve discerned the season I’m in personally; I’m cooking, both spiritually and physically. Truly, I don’t know if I’m having a hot flash, got an undetected infection or it could be the Hot Cheetos I enjoy so much. Who knows? I do know that my desire to obey God is becoming stronger than my desire to be free of uncomfortable situations. Seriously, I want out of whatever this is but something inside me says stay put and let the impurities slough off. Dude.
What impurities?? Glad you asked. Some are newly discovered and some I thought I was over. I can even show you the victory dance I did over them. So, comparison and envy; I thought I had become content with my lot in life but what I had become was resigned. Resigned to thinking that God may love me but not enough to let me attain my heart’s desire. Bitterness, I know I buried that one; the dirt is still under my nails. I’m still dirty because I may feel like I’ve surrendered my will, but each celebration of accomplishments for someone else is a reminder that I don’t think God is enough in my own life.
That was probably blasphemy for some people, but this is my season of transparency. My words say “God, I’m surrendered, but my tears say “God give me this and I’ll feel whole”. My desperate desire for “letters” after my name are my way of telling God He is not enough to fill the hole inside of me. That hole I covered with the scabs that told me since I wasn’t pretty enough, at least I was smart. Smart kept moving when I discovered there were things beyond a high school diploma to attain. But He Is. He is so much more than enough. His patience with me is everlasting because I cry daily in my tumble cycle of feeling inadequate.
I’ll tell you a secret: I talk badly to myself. Truly! When I get confused or fuzzy headed about how to start something I say, “I don’t know what I’m doing”. I actually say this out loud and don’t let someone ask me what I’m doing, I shrivel all the way up. Innocent inquiry, but to me it says someone can see that I’m inadequate. Is it a lie? No, but my spirit doesn’t know if I mean just this task or life in general.
What are you telling yourself? I’ll tell you what God told me…
I’ve already got letters behind my name:

DoK: Daughter of the King
CoG: Child if God
BaHF: Blessed and Highly Favored
FoF: Free of fear and failure

Can you add your own?