You don’t even know me…..

I spent all of my 20’s with the idol of marriage before me. I wanted to be married more than anything in the world. It’s not abnormal but the obsession was unhealthy. I dated solely to see what kind of husband material he was….that’s where my issues began.
The dysfunction of my family; seen through my eyes as a child, was so deeply embedded in my psyche that I didn’t even know who I was. With each relationship I entered I became whatever he wanted. I wanted to be chosen, loved and made to feel special. Eventually a few of these relationships ended with a proposal or at least a serious talk about the future….and that’s when I cut out. I always told the poor guy that he didn’t even really know me. I will gladly take the blame for this because truthfully, it’s my fault. I’ve got 2 strands of DNA that make up who I am minus God’s help. So. Naturally I go from; passive, to passive aggressive, to explosive. By the time we’re talking rings, I was a boiling pot of resentment, frustration and disappointment. The poor guys don’t even know that God delivered them from me. I had no idea how to argue peacefully and leaving was my answer to everything; got that one by example. I was a messy hodgepodge of Bible principles and no idea or examples of how to live them out.
In my late 20’s I discovered an affinity for older people. I thank God everyday for the wisdom and knowledge I gained by simply spending time with them. I was told and I came to my own conclusion that I wasn’t ready. I still needed exposure to a Godly marriage where both spouses are committed to God and each other. I needed to see forgiveness for a grave offense in action and I needed time alone so God could show me who He was and the kind of love that lasts forever.
I’ve never been so grateful to have been denied what I thought I wanted most.

Just a quiet reflective moment.

Have you ever spent so much time being amazing because you represent God and you really do never know who’s watching your faith walk; that you forget to be human? Human, where you remember that you are still scared of the dark. Human, where 2 major surgeries in less than a month still hurts and you keep pleading the blood that you don’t get addicted to those painkillers that make everything alright.
Human, where you actually indulge in the grief and mourn not only the life you had but also the one you kept trying to get God to put his blessings on😏(anyone got any Ishmael plans, I do, I mean did)
We all know to pray without ceasing and I thank God for my personal prayer warriors, But. That’s it, just but. But I find myself whispering the Word to myself, tryna back up off that ledge of almost insane because it’s too much. I don’t want to get cocky because God and I did it before, but, truth? I feel one bad medical report from looney tunes. There’s an old song that asks “whose report will you believe?” Well that’s a no brainer! But! God isn’t giving reports, He is whispering “Trust Me”. But God, you know I got for real trust issues. You know I got control issues. You know I’m without a dream or a vision, is this how I’m to perish?
Just thinking out loud…..

I knew you…..

Jeremiah 1:5 states that God knew us before we were conceived.
I know some folks can go in on just that scripture alone; I’m not one of them. Recently my sister let it slip that I wasn’t even supposed to come home from the hospital. What!?!? I’ve always known that I was a “blue baby “, with obviously no real clue to what that meant. I kinda saw it like I was holding my breath until they whacked me on the bottom. Apparently not. They shaved the sides of my head to conduct some tests to see how bad my brain was scrambled. It wasn’t….although to this day hair won’t grow in those spots. My earliest memory is of an asthma attack; frightful things those are. So as I sit wondering how I survived or rather why I survived the Many illnesses that have plagued me, I finally got it…..it is All for His Glory.
John 9 tells of Jesus healing a blind man. He was born blind. Like some folks I know, the disciples asked whose fault was it, the man’s or his parents. Imagine that! The poor guy is dealing best he can with this issue and they want to find fault.
Here comes my favorite revelation: Jesus said neither! It’s so God can get the Glory! When I say my spirit clicked, it was a complete cacophony.
I. Get. It.
His Glory is why when doctors want to meet me after reading my chart. His Glory is why I’ve been asked by those same doctors “why am I still alive?”.
His Glory is why I haven’t been 5150’d a long time ago.
I will admit to getting extremely frustrated when my plans get totally derailed and confused by the Many hospitalizations, but I finally get it. Part of my purpose is to be a living, breathing testimony of God’s sustaining power. My ability to not only be sane but joyful, that’s God. My well of understanding and compassion, that’s God.
God is…. The I Am! I know what He is for me, but what do you need?
(LoL! Cue altar call music

Phantom Pains……

When your nerve endings send messages to your brain that a limb or digit no longer present hurts.
Every now and again I get pains that feel like my foot is being tortured. Problem is, I no longer have a left foot. So I rub my little sausage (I swear it looks like a fat brown and serve,lol) and try the tactical approach to confirming reality. Which led me to thinking about all the emotional phantom pains I’ve got. The pain of a relationship that was severed years ago for good reasons. I remember all the good times because I’m lonely, but I have to actively remember the emotional blackmail I was too naive to recognize at the time. I remember causing my daddy to cry because I was tired and hurting after dialysis that day, but I have to actively remember the understanding and forgiveness that flowed between us. I’ve learned that forgiveness is not a noun given to a feeling, but it’s a verb that has to be applied every time these phantom pains flare up. I’ve learned that the hardest person to forgive is yourself. The enemy likes to recycle and reuse short clips of life that cause pain and all the useless emotions that come with it. But God!
I’m so glad my spirit man is stronger than I am. It’s like having my own personal pep squad. So when I’ve got those times when I get deeply mired in me, I’m still a vessel used to encourage and bolster others. I’ve got a calling or purpose; I may not know what it is, but it feels good to know this little light of mine is shining.

Storm Chaser……

I’ve had this post in my spirit for a minute, so here we go….
I’ve got a degree in both psychology and behavioral science. I got them in hope that they would help me figure out myself. But I’ve found that sometimes they help and usually they don’t. I’ve learned that psychology can’t explain God. Mark and Matthew record an event where the disciples and Jesus are in a storm. The storm is raging all around them, but they are basically ok. They got a bit wet and were knocked around and they panicked. They panicked because although they were only a little wet they were looking around the boat at the ferocity of the storm. I tend to do that too, all the time. I hear and see what the doctors say, how my medical record reads and I focus on that. What if for a few moments I took the time to realize that yes, I’m hurting more than comfortable and yes I’ve heard all the reports, but I am not being consumed!!! ( I just took myself in!!!) I am being held in the safest place possible. If I would quit looking around me at what could be and stay focused on the fact that I m being sustained, kept, comforted and blessed, I might realize it doesn’t matter which storm is coming, going or raging; God’s got me.

It could be worse….

That used to be my personal mantra until I started thinking perhaps God considered it a challenge.
There is a 14 year old child that has decided to die because she has a disease that causes chronic pain and renders her immobile from the neck down. My first thought was “oh wow “. My second thought was that we have failed this up and coming generation so badly. We’ve coddled and bubble wrapped them so tightly in our efforts not to be our parents, that we’ve given them no coping abilities . I’ve never seen such vicious bullying and great numbers of suicide in my life.
But my next thought, as I began to pray for her, was that I wish I could speak into her life. I’ve learned that nothing raises up a spirit of rebellion like platitudes and obvious untruths. You simply cannot come at me will cliches and well intended words when I’m in the grips of a crisis. So I’ve learned to temper my conversations with “have you considered?”. I’ve found that does several things at once; it at least gets me listened to, doesn’t get what I have to Sa automatically rejected and it inserts an opinion that the person might not be able to see depending on the intensity of their situation.
All that being said, I wish I could teach her to categorize and compartmentalize her pain; a very neat trick for anyone with chronic pain. I wish we could discuss the possibility of a purpose to her life. Beyond the obvious and just to imagine what the other side of the situation looks like. Lastly, I’d love to surround her with the music that keeps me pushing, trying and pressing past wanting to give up.
God is good all the time, but truthfully, there are times and situations where we feel He’s good to everyone but us. Today’s music doesn’t always reflect what to do when you are feeling like that. These are the times I have to dust off my spirituals and press and keen my way to remembering He will never leave nor forsake me, despite if it feels He has done just that.

One month…..

So today is my one month amputee anniversary. There are several things I must say before I continue.
1. I am the most passive pacifist you’ll ever meet. I genuinely have to figure out where my stores of energy are going. I do not wonder why I have a small circle of friends.
2. I think I lack the fight or light response. I can’t imagine a situation where me fighting is an option. I like to think I have a flight or jet setting.
All that being said, I made reservations for a pity party of one today. I had dominoes on speed dial, crackers for the munchies and gummy worms to round it out. But just like for Elijah, God shut this party DOWN. He gave me a restorative nap for sleep, a bubble of giggles and smiles for my demeanor and a whisper that He is Jehovah My Sustainer. Not overly pleased with all this, but it’s not like I had a choice. I am exactly one month from the loss of half of my left leg and the doctors are already gearing me up for prosthetic consults. Glory! Hallelujah! If I had two feet I’d dance.(corny amputee humor). God is amazing and a half because I was already picking out who I wanted Him to send me for my heavenly transfer (this is in NO way a suicidal ideation!), but I was pooped. Tired of physical ailments, tired of not getting what I thought I was working for and just tired.
God keeps me when I don’t want to be kept.
I encourage others when it seems like I can’t even encourage myself.
And….the Joy of the Lord really is my Strength, because I know personally, without it, there’d be no me.

Silent tears…..

I haven’t cried in 3 years. Yet I find my face wet after a painful and restless night. I find myself wishing for people long gone; not exactly sure of what their response would be. Sure, the love would be evident, but would I get support or old school “I told you so”. Feeling a bit like Job, I may not know where God is, but I’m sure He knows where I am. The Bible says we won’t get more than we can bear, I for one would like a meeting to redefine the definition of how much I can bear is. So I cry while I smile and answer fine to how I’m doing. Truth? I take 3 different kinds of pills to make dialysis bearable. I feel 2 steps from a breakdown because reality is too much. The beach, cemetery and food no longer relieve the pressure and I feel like I’m twisting in the winds of ideas, theology and my reality.
Y’all not ready for this jelly, these waters run deeper than even I knew.

Just a quiet reflective moment……

Have you ever spent so much time being amazing because you represent God and you really do never know who’s watching your faith walk; that you forget to be human? Human, where you remember that you are still scared of the dark. Human, where 2 major surgeries in less than a month still hurts and you keep pleading the blood that you don’t get addicted to those painkillers that make everything alright.
Human, where you actually indulge in the grief and mourn not only the life you had but also the one you kept trying to get God to put his blessings on😏(anyone got any Ishmael plans, I do, I mean did)
We all know to pray without ceasing and I thank God for my personal prayer warriors, But. That’s it, just but. But I find myself whispering the Word to myself, tryna back up off that ledge of almost insane because it’s too much. I don’t want to get cocky because God and I did it before, but, truth? I feel one bad medical report from looney tunes. There’s an old song that asks “whose report will you believe?” Well that’s a no brainer! But! God isn’t giving reports, He is whispering “Trust Me”. But God, you know I got for real trust issues. You know I got control issues. You know I’m without a dream or a vision, is this how I’m to perish?
Just thinking out loud…..