I rarely listen to the radio, but this past Sunday I couldn’t remember where I put my phone. Luckily it was still during the gospel hours on the radio station. The host was polling people about a new song that was sung by a renowned gospel artist, but written and produced by a secular artist. I’ve listened to and been personally blessed by this particular song, so I didn’t understand why it was referred to as new, but anyway. There was a healthy mixture of comments given and some gave me pause. Then I heard one that ignited a response so swiftly in my passive self that I couldn’t ignore it. It was a quote (ish) of Proverbs 27:17: As iron sharpens iron. For the record, it is so extremely important to read for yourself.
The second part of of Proverbs 27:17 depends on what version you read. I tend to favor NKJV myself, but more contemporary versions end the verse with,
“so one person sharpens another”. That’s great, good and fine. My version says, “so a man sharpens the countenance of his friend”. I am not a theologian, but one seems to give you the right to sharpen your holy claws on whoever ignited your righteousness and the other says make sure you have a vested interest and relationship with the person you’re sharpening against.
Perhaps you’ve heard the term
“Church Hurt”. Never has a greater oxymoron existed. I didn’t grow up with this term, but by my late teens I completely understood it. It is people claiming to represent God’s Deity with completely broken and unrevealed humanity. Now we have a generation of broken people raising “spiritual” children who don’t know and want nothing to do with God or His hospital: the church.
Please, let me introduce to a God that loves you like you are and loves you too much to leave you like you are;
His Name is Jesus 💖
Tag: Joy
Bullies……
It’s 2018 and heartbreak is around every corner. I grew up in “the hood” and a drive-by wasn’t unheard of, but these school shootings are a new creature. The descriptions of the shooters always include; loner, bullied, and social outcast. Other than bullied, what’s wrong with being a loner? When did we decide society had to be homogeneous? I was a loner and probably would still be considered one. I slide in and out of different groups, on the fringes, by choice. I generally am happiest alone or with a small group, but not for long, lol.
Apparently, yesterday was the day of Pentecost…I really need a church calendar. I’ve been in church my Whole life and I’d never heard a sermon like the one my Pastor preached yesterday. May I start by stating my position? I believe in speaking in tongues. I also believe it’s a gift and that said gift is not tied to my eternal destination. My name being in the Book of Life is not contingent on how many mosquitoes I ate. (If you don’t know what I just said, forgive me).
Is your church bullying people and making them question their salvation because their Holy Spirit doesn’t act or speak like you think it should? I cannot explain how many tarrying services I’ve been through. Well intentioned people of God, praying that I receive this gift that I didn’t understand nor want. As I got closer to God for myself, I started reading His Word daily. My understanding had me firmly convinced in my belief about this gift. My Pastor presented it most eloquently; tongues is actually a language used to empower your witness. It could be a different language or by today’s population, it could be a jargon. Not saying you can’t be a witness everywhere you go, but my demographic of ill and broken is more easily reached because I speak the language.
Who are you supposed to be talking to?
Focused…
Really struggled with this one. Feels like I’m back at my unwillingness to share….
Usually you hear this word and think razor sharp intentions; that would be positive. Then there are those of us who seem to be focused on, with razor sharp intentions, the wrong things in life. That would be me.
Yesterday was Mother’s Day and I hope it was wonderful for all the ladies who celebrate it. I don’t, and haven’t been to church on that day in 15 years. I’ll start by answering the first couple of questions that probably popped up. No, there’s no pain when I think of my mom anymore. No, I’m not so bitter that I can’t celebrate with others because of my loss. And No, I’m not overwhelmed that I’m not a mother myself. Give up yet? Ready for the truth? It’s the holiday I give myself permission to be 100% authentic….about how I feel about everything. It’s personal, No One is invited to partake in these thoughts and by the time this day comes, I really need it. Maybe I’m selfish; I can celebrate with you, lament with you, pray with you and eat with you, but I can not reveal the inside of my heart.
I remember the night before my mom died and she was in the “surge” stage of death. It’s that time where the person perks up and seems like it’ll all be ok. She had visitors galore and while I was wishing them away, that moment gave me false hope that she was gonna get better. The surge passed and once again we were at deaths’ door. I remember looking up and seeing 4 generations of my friend’s family. Her grandmother, mother, her and her daughter. I won’t bore you with details, but the anguish was so deep and spiritual that I felt the crack that separated me from God begin that night. This was a fissure that would grow and extend with every little buried emotion I would experience from that moment on.
Over the years the chasm has widened to unbelievable proportions and the ability to cross over it seems beyond impossible. Whereas God has placed the Cross of Calvary at my every stop to remind me that I can cross over; and the Blood of Christ fills the area beneath the bridge, so if I fall I’m not only covered in blood, but I still have a way back to my journeys’ path. But I find myself constantly trying to figure out where the crack got so big that skipping over it was no longer an option.
I figured it out…..
It was at the beginning
Group Text…..
Have you ever gotten a group text from God? It’s that moment where everything you’ve been thinking about coincides with every sermon, song, podcast and overheard conversation. Freaky right? I call those Godly Group Texts. Usually I grin sloppily and say “thanks” as I glance up at the sky. Lately I’ve been turning red, anger or hot flash; who knows, and respond with an “I hear you, but what am I supposed to do with it?”.
The past week has been filled with internal reflection themes. I think I am very self aware and if I’m not aware of something, it’s on purpose. So I’m playing peek a boo with the issues I had severely hidden and God cranks at me till my weasel pops. Mark 12:30-31 gives us the two greatest commandments spoken by Jesus Himself. Love God utterly and completely, and love your neighbor as yourself. I love God sincerely, I may not always trust Him, but that’s my issue and has nothing to do with Him……
The second is where my mirror pops up. I’m assuming that there were no issues with self esteem in biblical times or no one thought to ask, “what if you don’t love yourself”?
I can exhort and encourage with the best life coaches, everyone else but me. Every time I feel like I might be trying to grab hold of God’s plans for me I get smacked with a loop. It’ll be either a new health concern, (I’ll tell you about my almost tantrum another day), or it’s a mental loop that’s still clinging to what I want. I’m partially deaf so whispers don’t compute and diabetes has deadened many a nerve ending, so gentle nudges don’t work either. I’m So Very grateful God is long suffering, cause whatever He’s putting down I can’t seem to pick up….right now. But as the author and finisher of my faith,
(Hebrews 12:2), I’m still believing that I’m heading somewhere.
Thank You God
Rejection….
I’ve just finished a devotional called “My Spirit, My Responsibility”. Enlightening to say the least. It reminded me that all I have control over is what I expose myself to and how I respond.
Have you ever been around someone with a critical spirit? It’s tiring to say the least. There can be a problem that everyone can see, but someone with that spirit will complain, scoff and offer no solutions, even if they have the skill set to fix it. This spirit will also keep you bound to things….completely unreceptive to change…and here is where I found my mirror.
It dawned on me that my being mostly immalleable is a form of mistrust. (Surprised? Yeah, me neither). It’s me telling God that I’m good on my own and will reject any changes to what I’ve planned, so I complain and nitpick at anything that doesn’t fit my ideal. Wow.
I then realized that if these were biblical times, I’d be a Pharisee. (Eww, shuddering😖)
Because that was their mindset. Jesus came offering freedom and acceptance to groups other than the Jews and the pharisees rejected Him because they were ok with the tablets, the law. Then they proceeded to “infect” others with their doubting, religious, complaining spirit. I desperately don’t want to be that person who rejects the Savior and all He has to offer.
So as this Easter Sunday approaches, I pray that you ask for your own reflection mirror so you have more room to accept the Risen Lord.
Thank You God
Can you relate…..
My family and I often go out to dinner after church on Sunday because it’s simply when we’re all in the same place at the same time. This Sunday I accidentally brushed against the table and got a sharp wave of pain in my belly. It didn’t hurt enough for an external reaction, but inside I was wondering why would I still be tender? My last surgery was 2 months ago…..And so came my waterfall of thoughts.
Perhaps like myself, you have heard multiple messages and songs about being the hands and feet of Christ. We instantly think it’s completely about serving others and perhaps will consider where our natural gifts are best used. There is nothing wrong with that…But…may I submit for your consideration a different perspective?
What if being the hands and feet of Christ is about transparency? I have often questioned myself if I would go through another surgery just to cover all my scars if they were more visible. Honestly, I don’t know. But I do know that my scars and the process to get them has made me more open and receptive to other people.
John 20:20 tells us that Jesus showed Himself to His disciples and proved His identity by showing His scars. Now I wonder why the marks didn’t disappear? If I had the power to rise from the dead, I can assure you I’d have skin smoother than a baby’s bottom. When/if you keep reading you’ll see His encounter with Thomas or as we call him “doubting Thomas”. It became clear to me; touching the scars is when Thomas believed. To whom do you or I need to show our scars to so they can believe? One of the greatest tricks of the enemy is isolation. He whispers in your ear that you are all alone and no understands and the world reinforces this idea with all the beautiful people carefully put together. If you cross my path I am no longer afraid to show you my scars. Physically I’m pretty jacked up, but I’ve never been more proud to be me after my processes.
Thank You God
Complete Meltdown…..
I don’t even know where to start.
I think I’ve finally gotten the all clear from UCLA regarding my kidney.
YAY!!!!
My labs are the best they’ve ever been and I’m so grateful. On the way home I freaked all the way out. Clearly my life isn’t going to end, not now and not from this. I’ve been feeling a shift in my atmosphere for a while, but didn’t know what that meant. Still don’t. So I go into instant Robin mode: details, logistics and busyness; mentally. By the time I arrived at home I was nearly unconscious with anxiety and apprehension. Sometimes you have to talk yourself down.
I remembered each time I’ve felt this way before. That borderline fear/excitement that can almost paralyze you into complete immobility. So I decided to practice my new coping mechanism of talking to God aloud.
“God, I’m freaked, but thank You for the blessings already bestowed on me”. “God, I’ve got 4 months till my one year transplant anniversary and I haven’t even begun to fill out job applications, but I’m trying and trusting that Your plans and timing are perfect”. “God, my self esteem is pretty low right now and I can’t even imagine what marketable skills I have for this day and age, but I remember the job you gave me before when the supervisor told me she didn’t want to hire me, so I rest knowing, “Nothing is impossible for You”.
Moral of the story: encourage yourself, meditate on things to combat your voiced fears in your head, and if you believe God is Sovereign…..Romans 8:28.
“And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.”
Thank You God
Hiding…..
In plain sight.
I now understand how you can lose time with no intention to do so. I intentionally watched one video and before I knew it, I had watched 5 more and 30 minutes of my life was missing. Luckily I have ADD when it comes to watching, well, anything. So the videos may last 8 minutes max….
The last one was a beauty tutorial that seem to be so popular these days. I will admit I was absolutely riveted. This perfectly cute young lady put on a crepe, pancake and Belgian waffle worth of makeup. Then she added fruit, butter, whipped cream and syrup in color. The result was nothing short of stunning. But…as beautiful as the result was, she no longer looked anything like herself. Surprisingly my first thought wasn’t “how to I replicate that”, it was “what are you hiding?”.
This week in my devotions was a spotlight on an issue I didn’t even know I had. Somewhere in my religious upbringing, I got the idea that I as a woman should never shine brighter than those around me, or that receiving compliments makes you prideful and pride is a sin. Or perhaps it was no matter how great you are, there is always someone greater. Did I mention I’m a very messy hodgepodge of stuff.
Part of me thinks it’s all that and a good dose of dysfunction in my household; because my sisters suffer from the same crazy. People sometimes see the 3 of us as a clique, we’re not. What we are is a surrounding safety net for each other and those we let in. You may see the shine, but you don’t know about the polishing processes.
This week I got a handful of scriptures to combat my “natural”/(nurtured) inclination not to be noticed:
Psalms 75:6-7; God gives promotion.
Matthew 5:15-16; Don’t hide your light under a bushel, but let your light so shine that men give glory to God.
There are others, but the essence is the same, you were not made to hide your gifts, talents or yourself. Don’t let other people’s insecurities, feelings of envy and just plain old hate stop you from giving God a good return on the talents He gave you (Matthew 15).
Thank You God
Castaway…..
I promise I’ve never seen the movie with Tom Hanks and his named ball.
Perhaps I should mention that I’m a bit of a commitment-phobe. I wasn’t always like this, but a good amount of events in my life had just enough force to reshape my natural inclinations. So I tend to move sluggishly slow or not at all.
Over the past month I’ve found myself joining some of the ministries at my church. Yay me😃…..now let me tell you about the internal turmoil I feel.
I joined the media ministry because I saw a need and a small piece of me remembered I used to be really good with computers. I accidentally joined guest services, it really was an accident, because I used to be adept at handling people. This where I confess the absolute mind numbing fear when I get left alone to perform a task. It usually ends well and everyone is happy, but of course these aren’t one and done situations; rinse and repeat every Sunday.
If you have ever wondered if God sees you in view of all the people and cosmic activities and everything else He orchestrates, let me firmly and assuredly confirm that He does. My devotions this week led me to Hebrews 10:35, “Therefore do not cast away your confidence, which has great reward. For you have need of endurance, so that after you have done the will of God, you may receive the promise:” I know the scripture is talking about confidence in your belief in God, but could we not also apply this to life?
I haven’t experienced much that can strip away self confidence like medical issues. I feel like I’m afraid of everything that is outside of my routine, aka control. You’d think I would have learned that I don’t have any control, over anything.
So I back away from the instantaneous panic and anxiety attacks and remind myself that although I don’t know what tomorrow holds, I know and have complete confidence in who holds my tomorrow.
Thank You God 💖
Fleecing…..
I promise this has nothing to do with swindled money. I’m actually referring to how I’m feeling right now.
Judges 6:36-40 is the story of Gideon, the most relatable character I can think of. His situation is dire, his nation is suffering and he’s being called to do something about it.
Boy can I relate!
The thing is, Gideon is a bit scared; ok, he’s a coward. God has called him to do something great and he starts listing his disqualifications. As I raise both of my hands in the air, I go over my litany of why God should go bother someone else and let me sleep. So as Gideon resigns himself to the fact that God is not budging, he starts the fleecing process….
Welcome to where I am 24/7.
He puts out a piece of fleece and starts the timer, hoping his fear gets validated.
“God if it’s you, make this wet”.
“God if it’s you, make this dry”.
Translation: “God show me the complete plan so I feel more comfortable “. Umm, yeah, no.
I, like Gideon, want absolute assurance that I’m moving in the direction God has set for me, but I don’t want to move until I can see the guarantee of success. Ever been there? You are almost immobilized by fear and uncertainty because you don’t trust….yourself, the process, etc.
Am I the only person whose main issue in life seems to be the drain that everything else circles around?
My idea is becoming a burden.
My dreams are shifting.
My hope is inflating.
Thank you God