Tag: Joy

 

Song: I’m Encouraged by Thomas Whitfield

Rough title, I know.
If you weren’t aware, I’ve got some health issues that are physically creeping into the psychological.
(That was good 🧐).
So I always seem to be struggling with something. Physically I can handle it; it’s when I try to marry my situations with my understanding of God that the battle begins. I’d like to think we have moved beyond believing sickness and poverty are indicative of the absence of God. Perhaps.
I’d like to think that we’ve embraced being saved by grace and not by our works. Maybe. We give good lip service to this one, but do we really believe it? Personally, I’m not sure.
Have you ever felt something inside that refutes what is being said to you? I get this feeling all the time.
Let me start by saying, I will not die, not now and not from this. I appreciate the prayers and words of healing that are spoken over and to me. But something inside me says not now, not yet. I can’t deny the changes this process has yielded, but doubt is ever present. I always think: maybe if I was more of an extrovert, I’d get better. Maybe if I did more noticeably religious stuff, I’d get better. Maybe if I was still a virgin, this wouldn’t be so hard. Etc, etc, etc.
I often feel like I’m still trying to earn God’s love, favor and attention. I envy those that cry when they bring that one thing to mind or dance so easily just thinking about His goodness.
That’s not me.
I often play the mental “what if” game and there I go in distraction land.
Still grasping that I am loved just because I am.
Thank You God

Song: Broken and Blessed by Carmen Calhoun

I willingly admit that I’m struggling with my identity. I will also admit that in that struggle there is an unhealthy dose of depression, envy and hopelessness. 2017-2019 are the years of turning 40 for a lot of my friends and I. I’m sure once we realized that adulthood was not what we dreamed and it was here to stay, that we made a list of things we’d hope to have or accomplish by then.
Let me assure you, my current situation was not even on my radar.
So my Facebook timeline is flooded with amazing people doing amazing things and I truly celebrate all of them. Then I turn my phone or computer off and shiver in the misting rain of depression. It sucks, big time.
I’ve noticed that whatever I struggle with internally is what God addresses in my prayer time, in my devotions and in everything I listen to. Coincidence? I don’t believe in them.
Last week was about comparisons; this week is about envy and identity.
I knew this would be more than a week long lesson, but I feel it’s going to be a while before I truly grasp it.
I peeked out my introduction page to my blog and realized that my identity is wrapped in what has happened to me and who I’m connected to. Neither of those are bad, but if you strip it all away, nothing has the power to wash me of depression. The last thing I mention is that I’m a believer…it should have been first. That identity is why the flood hasn’t carried me to the edge of suicidal thoughts. That identity is why my smile is genuine. That identity is why I can encourage even though….just gonna leave that there.
This is just another process that’s been a long time coming and is deeply rooted, so it’s gonna hurt…. But…..Thank You God!

Song: Listen by Marvin Sapp

I’m probably about to reveal how old I really am, but anyone remember learning and memorizing by flash cards? I don’t mean these new cute ones with illustrations and emojis; naw, the 25 cent pack of plain ones you made yourself. As a partially deaf person, they probably saved me from complete academic failure. Auditory learning was really hard for me, but if I read it and wrote something myself, it got memorized. I found the system to be so beneficial to me that I used it all the way through college as well.
It didn’t matter the subject, I had a stack of cards for everything…..
So I’m taking notice that perhaps God is using this method in my spiritual journey as well. My weeks start on Sunday and I get a good Word from my Pastors. But I began to notice that every song, sermon, devotional plan and scripture was bringing me back to the same concept. For example: last weeks’ concept was God is Good. This was not a time for my deeply ingrained call and response, (cause He is good All the Time😅), but it was a constant reiteration of do I understand what this means? By Saturday I’d like to think I was ready for a quiz. When we remove all the names that follow Jehovah, the names that allow us to see Him as provider, healer, etc, He is still good. In fact, I’ll venture to say goodness exists because God Is.
I must’ve passed that lesson because this week is about being who God made me to be and recognizing the comparison trap. I’ll admit, I stumble over this one every day and several times a day. Got the feeling this might be a 2 week lesson.😅
What do you have blocking you from taking notes at the feet of the Father?
Betcha if you ask He will make a set of flash cards just for you.
Thank You God

Song: Happy by John P. Kee

I’m sure almost everyone is aware of the sandbox battle between the POTUS and the SL of North Korea. Personally, I think it’s very rude of these guys to be so cavalier about something that affects neither of them. If either button is pushed, the pusher gets hustled off to safety and God help the rest of us……But this isn’t a political post, really.
Nuclear power results in complete and utter devastation and separation
Obviously death, but in running from it, separation.
I’ve got nuclear buttons; you probably do too. Those areas that the extremely stupid or extremely innocent dare trod upon. They’re mini buttons and usually cause division and separation for long periods of time. It maybe physical, but I’ve learned it’s usually psychological.
For example; I got my second boyfriend around 16 and my mom had already defied our relationship by confronting me about things I had written in my diary. PSA: diaries are private, personal and probably full of hopes and dreams not actualities. So we already were coming to the playground with trust issues. By this time she was completely divorced and had settled those glasses of “humph” on her view of men. My glasses were still rosy with streaks of hearts and cupids floating around. I wasn’t aware of buttons at the time, but she pushed one of my first ones of distrust. She passed on this nugget of wisdom that my boyfriend would leave me if I didn’t do my hair. I wore my hair in a very neat, completely real, ponytail. There simply wasn’t time for anything else. Please know we had been battling since middle school about the kind of daughter she wanted and the kind of girl I was, so….I kept that rat dog till 21 and she launched a missile that exploded all trust in the area of men between us. I’ve got more stories and I had more buttons than a sewing factory; as I’m sure you do.
What buttons are the enemy pushing to keep you away from God? Maybe like me it’s the trust button. Maybe you’re engaged in a tit tat wrong game? You know, where we get caught in the “if God is Good then…., or if He loved you then…”. Don’t play those games, you will always lose. I used to until I realized in this equation of eternity and life, I am always the variable..Always!
Ask God to show you your buttons so you can snip that red cord and live easier.

 

Song: In the Midst of it All by Yolanda Adams

Have you ever been arrested by the Word before? I know I walk around with this vague sense of God. In the busyness of life with doctor appointments and worries and pain, I often put God on the back burner to simmer until the next crisis hits. He sometimes moves to the front of my mind when I’m at church, but not usually, because I get distracted by other people or I get lost in my own mind. I sense Him best at the beach, but lately my safe place isn’t offering as much solace as it used to.
I never question my faith mid-battle, but once my crisis has passed and I’m dwelling in what I call pseudo-calm, I waver like a teeter totter. Am I being pessimistic if I’m waiting for the next problem? I genuinely don’t know. I like to notice patterns and I don’t think noticing a pattern of complications and nothing going as planned makes me pessimistic or low on faith. I’m no theologian, but I cannot agree that faith is the absence of fear; in fact my best show of faith is when I’m battling internally with fear.
But!….the after is where I completely freak out. Questions galore pop up, I go seeing and reading signs in everything, a true, complete mess!
And then it feels like God comes to sit with me while we debrief. I get constant reminders of Who He is, How He brought me through, and the peace to rest as we prepare for whatever is next.
Thank You God

Song: Cover of Better Days by The Walls Group

Have you ever had those days where you simply don’t have any more push through? I had that day yesterday; anything became too much.
I found myself crying real tears over little things. I left the hospital Sunday with 4 tubes hanging out of me. I think at least 2 of them started leaking and I couldn’t figure out where or why. If I thought there was a more potent word than tired, I would use it. Every movement seem to tap into the depleted wells of my energy.
So I cried and sobbed until I started talking to God aloud. God, this is too much. God, I’m tired of pain and being tired. God, what’s the point? God, I don’t want to ask for help, I just want someone to see and help while I grapple with my pride. God, what if tomorrow’s appointment doesn’t go well? ETC…..
When I had exhausted my feelings I realized that January 9, 2018 makes 15 years since my mom died. Sometimes I forget what she looked like until I look in the mirror. I find great comfort in music and I’m really careful about what I listen to because sometimes lyrics are easier to recall than scriptures. So a song came on and something caused me to really listen to the words:
🎼makes no difference, what’s the problem, I can go to God in prayer!🎼
Peace descended, tears dried up and a flood of gratitude covered me.
Thank you God

Song: Let It Go by Pentatonix

🎼Let it go, Let it go!!!🎼
Have you ever been frozen by common sense? Or, since society is decaying, relatively easily accessible truths?
I had surgery on the 2nd, did my loopy dance with understanding and anesthesia and came to with a ladder of staples on my belly. Got to finally meet the acclaimed pain button, but had to reject that friendship because the two of us needed a third person in Benadryl, and the hospital wasn’t providing it fast enough. I am allergic to most good things: pain killers, antibiotics, yummy foods, etc.
So my pain tolerance is back at astronomical and I’m getting ready for that great discharge day….Saturday….Today. But I get the feeling it ain’t gonna happen. The doctors are weirdly fixated on the restroom, my sugar is bouncing around like it’s been injected with super expresso and I feel a tantrum building up from the depths of my soul……..
The window in my room looks across to what seems to be a hallway. I imagine the people I’m seeing hurriedly escaping to the elevator before they get mandated for overtime and I also imagine God asking them to hold the door please.
(I’m a reader and I’ve always had an overactive imagination).
As I press my faithful football pillow into my belly as I snicker and hoot at myself, I freeze at the thought train I was riding on. I was really feeling like if things didn’t go as planned, then I was on my own. I imagine God waving His conductor baton as things swirl and fall into place and then bringing everything to a screeching halt when a wrong note gets hit. (Looney Tunes)
I realize I do this a lot; this humanizing God to the point of removing His Deity.
So I pipe myself down and change my view of this hiccup. Don’t know what the hold up is, but my continuing acquaintance with this Chinese Chicken Salad makes me smile.