Tag: Joy

Song: Trouble in my way by Albertina Walker

I Love old school gospel…
Sometimes I wish the problems we have could take a number and wait to be called like at the pharmacy or DMV. Not likely to happen, but I frequently indulge in wishful thinking…And while I’m making “never gonna happen” wishes, sometimes I wish God would just let me mumble and gripe in peace. Unfortunately that’s not gonna happen as I pray all day and do devotions every morning. I’ve been alive 38 years and just started this habit in 2017, so if you feel behind, fret not. I also have a habit of listening to gospel music and sermons by podcasts. I figure if I keep feeding my spirit I’ll stay on this side of crazy and depression.
So I heard something this week so deep I had to pause: “you’re not punished or sentenced to pain and tears, you’re trusted with it”. I’ll be honest, my very First thought was “trust me less Lord”! When the rest of my brain kicked into gear, I was humbled and grateful. Grateful for pain and trouble??? Yeah, I know, but stick with me….
We’ve all probably heard that Christianity isn’t a religion but a relationship; and all the many ways people explain that. My own personal experience says Christianity isn’t a what but a how. It is how I see God, how He moves in my life, how I worship, how I go through my issues and how I draw others to Him as they watch me. Took me a while to get to this ideology. I remember seeing a visitor on the worship team at one of my old churches. I had just gotten out of the hospital and was already overwhelmed with gratitude, but then I found myself watching her. The song had been sung before but something kept me riveted. Her worship was so pure and open and personal that I wanted to be introduced to her God. Her expression of worship was so far beyond anything I had ever seen in church that I was convinced she had an “in” with Jehovah.
I want to be that person for someone else. So if my being trusted with pain puts me in a place where someone can see me and question “how?”, then it is my reasonable service for Christianity to introduce them to my Jesus.

Song: Help by Erica Campbell ft. Lecrae

Is there a difference? Do they look different? Honestly, I don’t know.
Lately I’ve been feeling like an exposed cavity nerve. Ever felt that? Hurts like….the dickens. Pray for me, I’m still a reforming sailor.
So, I managed to get December surgery free just to start again on January 2. Yay😒 While I still have a bunch of appointments every week ( completely over all of it), I’ve noticed I’m in a looping circle. I need to walk around, but I hurt everywhere and my push through is at a bare minimum. Translation: I’m getting fat..ter and getting less motivated to care. The sprouting of hips has me excited cause I’ve never really had any, but the matching belly makes me want to reach for a pint of sherbet. So as I struggle physically, there are nice people who offer to help and of course I smile and say I’ve got it when my prayer two seconds ago was God help.
I picked up this quote in my devotions this week, “Don’t deny someone of a blessing by doing everything on your own. In what areas do you need help? God created us to need each other, so don’t be afraid to both ask and receive help from others”. Wow.
As close as I am to my family, I even struggle with getting help from them. Of course I had to go digging to figure out what’s really the matter. It ain’t pretty… I’ve made some erroneous associations by observation and they became part of my view of the world.
Just a hint, it comes back to trust, surprised, yeah, me neither. So I operate thinking if I don’t lean on or need someone else then they won’t pity me and once the help has been given they won’t abandon me. Yes, that’s a mouthful, and I’ll have to expose that root another time. I figure as long as I can do it myself then people will like and stay with me because they can just be.
My devotions this week were full of passages telling me that Jesus healed and performed miracles because He was moved with compassion for the people.
I don’t want to block someone’s blessing because I can’t recognize the God in them.

Song: How can we sing in a strange land by Commissioned

I’ve had a complete love affair with the scripture Jeremiah 29:11. In fact, it was part of my first tattoo ( I have 2 and no, I’m not going to hell because of them). But I can honestly say that I have zero recollection of the whole chapter. So my daily devotions takes me there and I’m surprised and bewildered. The people of Judah were taken captive to Babylon and the prophet Jeremiah is writing a letter to tell them what God has said to him.
Jeremiah 29 in essence says, yes you’re a captive but I want you to stay there and flourish. There were false prophets among them saying what they wanted to hear, but God didn’t send them. Wow…just wow.
We see this a lot today. The body of Christ (the church) has become a feel good massage parlor. When we hit a snag in life or a bit of trouble, we rebuke all demons, run looking for the nearest prophet and wear our sack cloths and ashes so people know to pray for us. Now for a bit of honesty; some trouble we do to ourselves by ourselves. We are clearly aware of the consequences we’re dealing with and yet we want someone to tell us that “Thus saith the Lord…..”, when if we were honest we know this problem is going to last a while.
I’ll take transparency for $500, I’ve often prayed for death in the last 10 years. I like to think I can handle one problem at a time, but the overwhelming feeling of problem flooding is too much. I’m also aware that something inside keeps reminding me that this sickness is not unto death. That in this place of captivity there are lessons that can’t be learned in a place of comfort.
So I’m gonna try to resist the frequent urges to fight for freedom and become like that rare flower that grows in the desert. No matter where I’m planted, I know God will keep watering me.

Song: Prodigal Son by Fred Hammond

Sometimes I want to just snatch the reins of my life from God and say “gimme that, don’t know what you’re doing”. This is not a woe is me tale nor an invitation to a pity party, but a genuine reflection of my confusion. What was wrong with the plans I had for my life? They may have had a slightly large portion of making Robin happy, but that pie had love God and serve others in there too.
So as I go through another round of “what exactly is wrong with this girl” at the hospital, I get overwhelmed and fatigued trying to find some good and purpose in all of this. I also find myself feeling grateful that God is a Good Father. Earthly parents would have a bit of fussing and some “I told you so” and whatever else they can come up with as you hold your crumbling dreams and broken heart and complete disillusionment in your hands. But God tells us that He will hand us the reins of our life and when it goes badly, as it so often does, He will welcome us back into the fold like the incident never happened (Luke 15:11-32).
I find myself finding comfort in a different place now. Instead of the reactionary emotions that well up with each situation I find myself purposely telling myself that God has already been where I am. I remind myself that the path through this situation was paved by a God who wants the best for me and though there’s pain, I must stick to the belief that the benefit of the lesson far outweighs this momentary discomfort. So my inner man bucks up with enough strength to carry my physical man through all these new cuts and aches and I continue to rest in the fact that …..
The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing.
He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,
he refreshes my soul.
He guides me along the right paths
for his name’s sake.
Even though I walk
through the darkest valley,
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.
Psalms 23

Song: Eye of the Storm by Ryan Stevenson

Don’t get offended, but I’m a Cancer. I don’t follow numerology or astronomy, but I cannot find a reason to shun them either. My God made the stars and I seek His direction for my life.
So….I’ve always been interested in what makes me who I am. Probably delved into this after one psychology class on nature/nurture. Jacked me up real good. 1/10th of a degree to the left and I’d be loonier than a toon. Anyway, I’ve found that most of the traits ascribed to those born during these months are true. I have been and I thought (Revelation!) always would be deep in my feelings. My church up bringing didn’t correct it for me either. I once had a potential beau describe religion as an emotional lathering experience. I couldn’t argue because I could see that conclusion as well.
And now my point…..
I went into my surgery Saturday feeling afraid. Ok, understandable. I smile and giggle and make the staff around me feel good as we play which lucky person is going to get my IV running. A few hours later I’m smiling dreamily as I try to shake off anesthesia and hear that surgery went well. Subjective, relative to who tells the story. The doctors got to play with their robot, I’ve got a new slice of me missing and nothing was accomplished. Usually I’d insert something here, but I kinda knew it was gonna go this way.
Fast forward to Monday and there’s another procedure scheduled. Sounds painful, really, it did. As I’m being rolled down to the room I’m waiting for whatever it is I’m going to feel….and I got nothing. Not apathy, but no feelings. I’ve never done this before, so bear with me. I began to speak into my situation. “God that surgery was Not a surprise to you. This procedure and its results are not a surprise to you. I know you are at the end of this situation and so just this once I’m going to try something different. I’m going to act like I can see the angels camped around me. I can see the angel guiding the doctor to whatever area is troubled. I can see you placing the information that going as planned wouldn’t be the best idea.”
As I continued to speak what I knew, what I believed, I found myself comforted. It wasn’t a wash of peace, I know what that feels like. It was the settling of my spirit in the knowledge that I am looked after, cared for and loved. It just doesn’t get better than that.

Song: Testimony by Anthony Brown and Group Therapy

There’s something powerful about hearing testimony from those who’ve been through incredible storms. I’m discovering that it’s equally, if not more powerful, to hear the testimony of people who are currently still in the storm.
I’ve been bombarded with messages about authenticity. I thought I was, but obviously not enough. Every post I write is a struggle; struggling against sharing, against discomfort, against my upbringing and a bunch of other stuff. I got an enlightened moment that made me pause. As my sister goes through her renal failure journey, she’s running into a few complications. My pause came when she told me that she didn’t want to tell me how she was feeling and what she was going through. I asked why, she said it was because it doesn’t compare to what she’s seen me go through.
Hmmm…
While this is totally understandable, I had to hurriedly tell her that there is comfort in talking to someone who knows exactly where and what you are. I hope my understanding doesn’t come off as “suck it up, it could be worse”. I believe in the power of sympathy, but there is something extra about being with someone who has been exactly where you are.
So, I did a little introspection….
How often do I not take my issues to God? I’ll be honest, when I get deeply mired in me, I don’t want to bother anyone. Not God, not my family, sometimes I don’t even want to be bothered with myself. So I remind myself,…after whatever snack I have fixated on, that God is intimately acquainted with me (Psalms 139:3). I have to remind myself that God is not bothered by me coming to Him several times a day about the same issue, expressing the same emotions, crying the same tears and walking away with the same affirmation He gave me, the first time.
If this is my journey, then let me say this; if you have anyway to contact me and you feel I could help, even if it’s just to listen, contact me.
Just as I may be able to help you, you might be helping me realize that there is more to life than what I’m dealing with.

Song: Don’t let it get you down by Deleon Richards

3 months post transplant….
October 5th marks the third month Karen and I have been together…and oh boy. I never considered a transplant a “cure” for kidney disease, but I didn’t expect the process to rival my diagnosis years either. So at the 3 month mark I’m supposed to be returned to my original health care providers and starting to save money on parking. Since my journeys are never simplistic, here’s how it’s gonna go. I got to worry about insurance coverage because UCLA has decided I’m not stable enough to release yet. I’ve had a couple of put me completely under anesthesia surgeries, because, well, that’s just how we roll. So at my last appointment, the doctor is explaining the process from here on out. I of course ask for the complications that might pop up and he tells me. At the worst, I’m looking at another major surgery. Yay.😒
I leave the appointment, get in my car and chit chat with myself….conversation went something like this:
“Why are you down cast, o my soul? (Psalms 42:5-6) because I’m tired of being cut on, tired of holding in how I really feel and frankly, I do not need another reason to be mad at God.(A Walk to Remember, Nicholas Sparks).
“Out of the heart, the mouth speaks..” (Matthew 15:18) true, but I’ve already been alerted to the fact that bitterness and apathy are slowly encroaching on my mind and heart. Kinda at the point where I don’t even know what to pray for anymore. I’m getting the distinct impression that my stubbornness is blocking my view of the lesson. Instead of asking for revelation, I’m stubbornly asking for the removal of the issue. Can’t hurt to ask, right?