Tag: Joy

Song: Born for This by Bebe Winans ft. Stephanie Mills

I might have mentioned that I’ve turned into an extreme introvert. I used to walk that fine line between outgoing and shy, but I hit my 30s and people became a problem. So as I go through this process with Karen the kidney, I’m feeling a bit, how do I say it, inside out. Have you seen the movie? Really great one, but it’s simply about the inner dialogues we have with ourselves and emotions. I will admit I have an additional character not found in the movie; I’ll call her Church Mother. For you fancy folks, she’s like the super ego on steroids, bingeing on jelly beans.
So I’m getting all these feelings and sermons and videos and comments seemingly answering my question to God about what’s my purpose. The first thing I heard was “what was placed in your heart, what’s your passion”? I live in a perpetual state of apathy, now…..but I wasn’t always like this. I grab my shovel and go digging to see what’s buried under all this baggage God never meant for me to carry. Can I say this well runs Deep. I make pit stops at stones that look pretty and shiny and like a good idea, but they turn out to be fake because they were made by me allowing my circumstances to dictate my direction.
Something whispers “go deeper “.
I get to what looks like the end of the tunnel and all I see is this stone that I’ve convinced myself is covering the great unveiling of my purpose. I pick it up, intending to toss it over my shoulder but it’s warm. The longer I hold it, the hotter and brighter it gets. It looks like a regular rock, but it trembles and dirt starts falling off. I see all the dreams I thought I once wanted but something always happened. (In case you missed it, I’m very grateful for this)
It finally stops flickering and is resting on my original dream, I’m talking way back in grade school. I wanted to be a writer. Not television or movies or how to fix your life stuff, but things that would keep people from feeling some of the feelings I felt. Someone to relate to and just maybe, someone to make God seem less mystical and more like a very present help.
I have bought a website, a laptop and can’t even eat in peace for all the topics and phrases running round my head……
Now if I could just get out of my own way….

Song: Right to be Wrong by Joss Stone

Dear God,
I would like to formally withdraw my audition for Wonder Woman and Supergirl and any other heroine.
Feel free to pass these trials on to a more deserving child of yours. I hear Job has been bragging about coming through with flying colors, go on and visit him.
Sincerely,
I got a Yet Praise, but tired of the pain and complications

Song: No Condemnation by Radicals for Christ

Perhaps if I share this I’ll get a full nights’ sleep.
I’ve been diabetic since forever, but I only got diagnosed at 19. If you know anything about diabetes you can recall that it was categorized as juvenile and adult on-set before being type I and II. Those names from before sound self explanatory but they weren’t and didn’t really tell the patient anything.
During my hospital stay for my transplant I learned that there was a test that could determine which type you were. Guess what? I’m a type I diabetic. In case you missed the, for lack of a better term, joy, in my tone, it’s there. 💃🏿 Yes being diabetic sucks, less now than before, but what I got was a Huge weight lifted off my heart and mind. You see, I was functioning under the assumption that I did this to myself. My senior year of high school had me so strung out that I literally had a sugar daddy on my way to school….5 times a week. So when I got diagnosed, I accepted it with the passive apathy that is my default demeanor and lived with whatever got told or given or done to me. Which leads me to something I noticed….
John 8:1-11 tells the story of the woman caught in the act of adultery. If you’ve had any kind of religious teaching, you are probably aware that it wasn’t really about her and more about trapping Jesus in a punishable offense. But let me share what I saw. So the Pharisees bring her before Jesus trying to get something on Him and maybe get a stoning as a side order. Jesus says the oft quoted; “he who is without sin, cast the first stone”. And, just in case someone was having a delusional episode, Jesus starts writing in the dirt. We don’t know what He wrote, but I’m firmly convinced He was exposing some dirt. You know how some folks forget their dirt but catalog yours with a Dewey Decimal system……
What struck me as strange was, after all her accusers had left, the woman was still there. Why? Personally, I would’ve been gone before Jesus realized the others were gone. I believe she was still there because of self-condemnation. You can combat the things people hurl at you because defense mechanisms load you up with grenades to launch back or shields to deflect. There is no such protection when the battle wages from the inside.
Half of my anti-transplant feelings came from self condemnation. I wilded (not a real word) so tough the year before my kidney failure diagnosis, that there was no convincing me that I didn’t deserve this issue and that God wasn’t personally over seeing my punishment. There were times when I felt like an ant under a hot magnifying glass, with God making sure the light always stayed on me. Real talk,. Ever been there?
Romans 10:17 says faith comes by hearing, and hearing by the Word of God.
I can honestly say, I might not have been in the center of God’s will, but that doesn’t mean I left His sight. He is El Roi, the God that sees me. He saw that I felt unworthy and undeserving of healing. He knew I was castigating myself with every new crop of problems and complications, as I slowly leaked out my will to live, because you see, I did this to myself. He also knew that faith comes by hearing and hearing by the Word of God.
So He sent me songs that spoke to my situation and echoed in my head. He sent people with kind words and some who needed me to come out of myself to reach them because I could touch or see what wasn’t visible to the natural eye. And finally, He sent reminders that He is the God of grace and mercy. Grace is getting what you don’t deserve: unmerited favor. Mercy is Not getting what you Do deserve: pardons and lesser punishments.
After my Type I Diabetes diagnosis, I feel like the woman left with Jesus when He asked, “woman, where are your accusers? Has no one condemned you”?
And just like her I can answer, “no one Lord”. Just as He said to her, and is saying to me, and He’ll say to you: ” neither do I condemn you, go and sin no more”.

Song: Promise Keeper by Freed Hammond

I often read the Old Testament and think “what’s the matter with them folks?? Hasn’t God proven Himself time and time again?”…..and then I get a situation that makes what the Israelites were feeling clear.
When they were in the wilderness and faced with the Red Sea they grumbled. They were free, but grumbling.
Welcome to how I’m feeling now.
Egypt was the devil they knew, the wilderness was taking them to a better place, but the journey was rough.
I’ve got all new meds and I’m itching and feeling bipolar and hurting and can’t tell you what’s causing what. I hate it.
My labs reveal that Karen is doing everything she’s supposed to, but I’m not bouncing back like I feel I should. I guess major surgery will do that to you. My blood sugars are all over the place, frustrating me immensely because diabetes is the One area I had stabilized. I’ve got tremors like soft jello in an earthquake and I’m walking around singing about Freedom, cause I’m missing my car and the illusion of being free.
I’ve had to make a seasonal playlist because I need specific songs feeding my spirit. Songs that remind me that God is good, a promise keeper, that He’s given me this day and that I’ve got perfect peace if I keep my thoughts on Him.
This process is a bit much right now, but every time I feel a tantrum building I remind myself that He has a plan, a hope and a future designed just for me.
So I pipe myself down and pray for patience and another sneak peek at my purpose, cause there is obviously something I’m meant to do.

Song: Love’s in Need by John P. Kee

Most people go around spreading, uhm, stuff. Then we adopted the “spread love” chant. Well, I must go above and beyond!!!
I spread Love and Music!!!
UCLA East wing will be bumping in the future 😅. I’ve introduced to all ages, colors and positions: Richard Smallwood (💖), Commissioned-pre solo acts, The Winans, Carmen and the Christ Church Choir, etc.
something about harmony and chords that make you shiver; you don’t know if it’s the Spirit or the music, but you gotta move!💞💞

Can’t remember the artist…..
🎼Need a touch of your Spirit Lord
From the inside out.
And I need to be made whole
From the inside out.
Yeah, yeah,
I need you to cleanse me Jesus,
From the inside out.
Oh, whatever you do,
Whatever you do….oooo,
Do it from the inside out

Song: Thank You by Richard Smallwood

I’ve read and had the scriptures read to me for as long as I’ve been alive. But Nothing beats seeing them come to life. I’m usually pretty good with patterns but sometimes I am Really Slow with connections. I left the hospital Wednesday feeling like I might just at least start looking into what it takes to write and publish a book. Enter wave of distractions number one. I started feeling off, dog dead tired and hot. Yesterday I spent the day sleeping and castigating myself for not feeling well enough for my normal push through. The heat I’m feeling has been notched up and by the time I’m admitted I’m feeling decidedly fragile.
I get dialysis, spend time with my bestie and looking at the top of the world. And. Then. The. WOOSH!!! My God!!!! I feel like I’m being burned at the stake from the inside out. Im not in much pain, but I’m completely unsettled because people are looking at me funny. I’m trying to explain what I feel and I’m getting Extremely Frustrated because to me you should be able to feel this heat feet away. They take my temp, normal. They touch me, even I can feel the normality in that touch, but as soon as they retreat, I’m once again consumed everywhere. I feel like a void.
I have the AC turned all the way up(down?) hoping to influence my body from the outside. In my own personal Hell, literally. I’m shivering from responding nerves and burning inside. I lose a little Robin every moment. I can’t laugh or smile or anything. I’m starting to feel fragile in my brain and I’m looping around negative thoughts in my head because that’s the only place I can hear…..but I never turned off my music.
My nurse is looking like she wants to call the PET team and I’m gridlocked in misery. Want to know what penetrated?
🎼so many times I’ve fallen, Lord you forgave me, Thank You, Thank You.
Unmerited favor and brand new mercies,
Thank You, how I Thank You, for waking me up this morning and letting me see a new dawning, Thank You🎼.
Hit repeat and this was what broke me out and set me free. My care person asked what was I listening to, I told her gospel, she said I know, but this is old and has Power! She proceeds to tell me although she wasn’t assigned to me in my other room she could hear from the nurses station outside my door. She kept asking people about me but wasn’t getting satisfactory answers so she popped in. She said she heard a song and something inside broke. Tears streaming and burdens lifted from her and she didn’t even know my name.
Daniel 6 talks about Daniel’s friends being thrown into a fiery furnace. 3 went in but when the king looked, that fourth one looked like the Son of God!!!!
💃🏿💃🏿💃🏿💃🏿💃🏿💃🏿💃🏿💃🏿💃🏿💃🏿💃🏿💃🏿💃🏿
If you see me in distress, freaking out, losing my natural mind, know that I got something deep on the Inside that won’t let me go too far. It won’t give me more than WE can handle! And it won’t let me hold my peace…..excuse, but I’m going In!😭😭😭😭😭

Being re-admitted to the hospital. I am not feeling this, at all. No one seems overly concerned, but you know me. Doing all I can not to flail about and lay prostrate before the Lord.
I gotta say In God I Trust… really. And I know He has big plans for me, but could someone shoot me an availing prayer? I’m gonna need constant reassurance or meds too many more hiccups or blocks.

Song: It’s All God by The Soul Seekers

I’ve never truly been overwhelmed with gratitude.
I submit that I am today.💖
Having moments to remember certain blessings simply cannot compare to see a bigger piece of the plan God unveils for you. I’ve met amazing people during this journey of mine and I’m sure the different area of my life shown at that time had people both questioning and praying; why? Maybe I met you as struggled with retiring before 30. Had more bills than money and any cut looked detrimental. Maybe I told you about my solid, straight line plan to become a MSW, just to be thwarted at every turn by things truly out of my control. Perhaps we met during my spin cycle years in and out the hospital, losing pieces of my body, peace, hope and faith each and every time. Or you watched me succumb to the peer group failure trap as I saw myself missing developmental milestones on my own timeline. If we’ve met, you’ve seen something…
Psalms 27:13 has David believing that he would see the goodness of God in the land of the living. A song with this verse came to me when I needed it most. It became my personal rally cry. As long as I was still breathing there was goodness to be seen. So I began to look.
I sit here wailing with love, gratitude and faith because I can clearly see and show you too. I’ve got my first bag of anti-rejection meds and the like for $42. Please believe health coverage and finances was a concern.
Energy, personal body heat and an appetite.
Although not suicidal, please know hopelessness was pervasive.
My amazing support system showed up today for education classes.
Understand my parents were dead and I hadn’t grasped that unconditional love could be available to someone feeling so inherently unlovable.
Crying so hard I can’t see😭😭…
But there is So Much More!!!!
Last quote from a favorite song:
“If I was just anybody, I’d say it’s all good; But I Know Better!!! It’s All GOD!!”
-Soul Seekers: Its All God

To start, I like Food! Always have, always will. So, I managed to get a real meal and man! You’ve never met a happier belly. I sing and dance with my food and praise dance when it’s on the way.
So I figured I was doing this thang the way God and I know how And Bam! I feel that tingling feeling that I gotta go!!
Excuse me, but, 💃🏿💃🏿💃🏿💃🏿💃🏿💃🏿🙌🏾.
I’m strutting around like a 3 year old “ha ha! I did that!”. Of course my day was starting too well, which is why I’m hungry!
I had dialysis this morning, no biggie, I’ve been doing that for 9 years. I’m flushed with success, stuffed with apple crepes sausage and hard boiled egg (1800 ada diet)(🙏🏾Won’t He Do It?) and I am plotting my next 5 meals in this place.
I get off dialysis and discover I’ve been bumped down to clear liquids again!😵😵
I died!! I was making my over to the Chicken Primavera!! Now that my fluid restrictions are lax, I don’t wanna drink!! I wanna eat!!!
Please forgive my whine, but there can be no transplant without transparency