Tag: Joy

I once saw a poster that said, “Knowledge is knowing God is able, Faith is knowing He will”. I had to ponder this for a long time. It made me remember a conversation I had with my dad when I was spending massive amounts of time in the hospital. He told me if I had more faith I could be healed. I just want to say, I took offense to that. Romans 14 talks about the actions of two people with different faith levels. If yours allows you to do certain things don’t judge someone whose faith doesn’t let them. But of course my issues went a bit deeper than that.
In a conversation with my stepmom she told me it seemed like I didn’t trust God. As “churched” as I am, I began to sputter. Of course I trusted God….didn’t I?
When I think about it, no, I didn’t…and I’ll be honest, sometimes I still don’t.
I know that He is able, but I’m not always convinced He will for me. This is the kind of “stinking thinking ” that comes when you focus on all you don’t have; especially if those things have been prayed for. I had to learn to change my perception. I prayed for healing and expected to be condition free. What I got was His Amazing Sustaining power in the midst of my situations.
I prayed to be a witness to the people (my way) and what I got was a hospital ministry, reaching out and encouraging those that take care of others everyday.
I had to learn that there is a healing in being kept despite the circumstances and ministry isn’t confined to the pulpit.
I really love how God knows and meets me at the point of my issues even as He gently pushes me past them. This I know; He will do it for you too.

I’ve noticed a lot of preaching about how God wants you to be happy, healthy, sexy and wealthy. I can’t argue with that, but I don’t agree. One of my favorite songs starts off saying “God has not promised me sunshine, that’s not the way it’s going to be, but a little rain, mixed with God’s sunshine, a little pain makes me appreciate the good times ” (Be Grateful; Walter Hawkins). I listen to this song and others like it because sometimes I get disillusioned with God. If I only grabbed the promises that are being preached today , I’d probably have some more prodigal years ahead of me. During my more tumultuous years, I learned a few lessons. I’ve learned that happiness depends on what’s happening; that’s why we’re expected to have joy. Joy stays with you even when the situation sucks.
This was my lesson to learn. I’ve noticed that we all go through the same problem cycle until we get what God is trying to teach us.
So those de ja vu feelings, you’ve been there before and missed the point.
I’d like a change in venue, but I appear to have a hospital bed ministry. For real, no joke. My ray of sunshine shines the brightest once the pain meds have kicked in. I encourage, bolster and befriend folks every single time I’m in there; from the ER to my personal attendants. I even get those who aren’t even on my care team coming to me on their breaks, trying to figure me out. How am I joyful with all my issues?
Nothing but God!!!

We all know the the last days began after the day of Pentecost, but I submit that we are living in the last minutes of time.
I usually stay away from political topics, but this one struck my very heart. I’ve read 3 instances where women and girls were raped and the rapist went free with no consequences. The females were slandered and all but accused of asking for it.
I first want to applaud these young ladies for having the courage to do what I never did; and that’s go to the authorities. It almost appears for naught because they just got a huge dose of psychological trauma on top of their other issues. I understand.
In 2001 I was raped by my then boyfriend. Society has conditioned us to believe all kinds of fallacies about rape. No matter what a woman is wearing, she is never “asking ” for it. The man is not always a stranger popping out of a bush; and yes the effects are LONG lasting. Because I believed all of this, I was confused. I had said No and for the first time in my life sex hurt. I confided in someone I trusted because I really didn’t know what to think or feel. She told me it was My Fault.
So, on top of my feeling like I wasn’t good enough, I entered into this phase of severe self condemnation.
Being a churched girl, I believed her. I brought this on myself because I was living in sin. I want you to know God was looking out for me even then. I told no one else and simply shut down like I’m prone to do.
The following week my mom told me to come walk with her. In my mind I was trying to remember any infractions I’d committed, I couldn’t think of any. Do you know the Holy Ghost told her what happened? I was astonished and then I was scared. I couldn’t take someone else telling me it was my fault. She didn’t. She comforted me and asked me if I wanted to report it. Being the mouse that I was, I said no.
The healing process was lengthy and painful. What self esteem I had was shattered. I wasn’t comfortable with any male person, not even my friends in my youth group and I lost all confidence in my own judgment.
There’s no happy ending, but it took a lot of prayer and time for me to emerge from the condemned mindset I had; just a note…..
It Is Never Your Fault.

I think it’s time I share what’s going on. Since I got out of the hospital in July I’ve been scared of the dark. For the record, I’ve never been scared of the dark. I was always that kid with a flashlight and a book. So my stepmom encouraged me to write things down because there was so much bubbling in my spirit. Hence the posts I’ve put out. I usually get a temporary quieting in my soul but then the bubbles come back . But at night I realized I wasn’t sleeping nor resting properly. I’d wake up with high blood pressure, low blood sugar and a palpating heart. I was/am having night terrors. Nightmares are bad dreams; night terrors are things you see in the dark and I’m pretty sure you’re awake. My sister pointed out that this started when I started posting and this is spiritual warfare. My first thought was “ok, I’ll just stop posting “. If you know me, you know I don’t fight nor compete. But them bubbles, they went from a simmer to a boil. I actually feel compelled to write these things down for someone else to see. I become desperate to get to church on Sunday and every single Saturday night I get struck with some kind of painful acute condition. I’ve never seen myself as threatening, but clearly someone does. So I rock in pain, shed tired tears and pray. I put The Word on the terrors (Psalms 91:5 & 2 Timothy 1:7), and find old spirituals that feed my soul.
Pray for me y’all, I’m tired.

I once heard a pastor say that everything you go through is not for you. At first I thought what kind of malarkey is that? He went on to say that the Bible is full of people going through situations so we might see how to relate to them.
Ok, I’ll accept that. The issue I have is the Bible is complete. We read about their situations and the resolutions all at the same time. Life as we know it doesn’t work like that.
As an insulin dependent diabetic, the first 6 months of my kidney disease almost gave me a phobia about needles. Every other week I was in the hospital having surgery trying to get a working access for dialysis. I got 8 emergency catheters and got carved up like a Christmas ham. When they almost gave up on me I was introduced to a different option for treatment. I spent the next 5 years trying not to lose my mind and myself as the treatment prescription inched its way up to 12 hours a day, just to not be working as it should…….
As I look back, I realize God was there the entire time and He was using me to reach people. My nurse needed encouragement, not just professionally but personally. When my sister headed towards her renal failure journey, I was able to reassure fears and answer questions because I’d been there.
My struggle working full time and going to college when I could; someone was watching and got the courage to do the same.
As I sit on the other side of these situations and others like them; I find myself looking for God in all of it. And do you know He was there! His sustaining power is why I no longer have panic and anxiety attacks when I leave my house.
His sustaining power is why I could comfortably retire from my job at 31 as I ride this roller coaster that is my renal journey. I will admit to wanting off this ride because the intense moments were really bad and really painful. But it is great to know that He was with me the entire time and using my story to help someone else.

As I observe different relationships, I find myself wondering what balance they provide for each other. Does he have a temper and she’s the calm one? Or does she shop so often that he has to hide the money in a different account?
Recently I told my sister I discovered why I kept choosing the men I’ve had relationships with. For me, he didn’t need to have a lot of money or even a car, because I had both. All he had to do was like me and make me feel special. It didn’t matter if I wasn’t initially attracted to him, the mere fact that he approached me had me all in a tizzy. Why was that????
My teaching generation was a bit stingy with compliments and validation, but quite free with criticism. If I had been as life experienced then as I am now, I might have turned out a bit different. So I hooked up with good men who were bad for me.
I thank God for giving me reconciled bonding years with both of my parents before they died, but the damage is already done. So when I hear that God is our father, I think no thanks, not interested. When people talk about God’s love, I think how can that be, my own parents saw something in me that was not enough. But then……
God keeps revealing himself to me. He reminds me that He’s there in my valley experiences. I feel His presence in my darkest mental and emotional states. I observe transactions that clearly have His guidance. And then I worship.
I worship because His love is like a filler that fills in the cracks of my heart and mind. I worship because He takes the time to see about me. I run (amputee joke😄) to church on Sunday because I figure it’s my turn to go to His house. This is a total cliche, but I encourage you to seek Him while He can be found. I promise it’s worth it

I sometimes find it hard to remember God sees not just the bigger picture but eternity. There have been times when I was blatantly denied good things and the tantrum I had would have put a 3 year old to shame.
When I didn’t get the traditional college send off like my sisters did, I didn’t know that I needed the next 6 years to bond with my mom like never before. The year before she died I had feelings and visions that were most unsettling. Like most good Christians, I began rebuking the devil and buying books about prayers that avail much. Do you know you can’t rebuke a glimpse into the future? When it came to pass, I was so grateful! My world rocked most unsteadily, but not once did it tip over. My first Mother’s Day without her, I watched my then pastor weep almost inconsolably. Now I’ve known this man most of my life. I knew his mother had died years ago. I was only 4 months into this process and I thought to myself, “God, if this is how you treat your shepherds, then clearly I haven’t got a chance “. So, I walked away. Straight up told God “peace out” and entered into my prodigal years. Do you know He kept me even then? People I knew and some I didn’t kept trying to guide me back, but rebellion is a hard spirit to shake, at least for me.
Clearly I returned to the fold. I may not have been wallowing and eating with pigs, but I landed flat on my back with completely failed kidneys. Was I mad? Absolutely! I had rebellious friends that were living it up, but I’ve been called since I got here. But! I am ever so grateful for the entire experience. I discovered character traits and developed skills that probably couldn’t have come any other way. I learned that God really does never leave us, even when we walk away.
Just Grateful