It’s often a word that’s used so frequently and so casually that I often forget how magnificant it is. The closest example I have is the grace period you receive after a payment is late. Past the due date is when the late fee or “punishment” is supposed to start accruing, but companies give you a window to correct your mistake and make things right. If you are studious and careful about your credit, then you know how significant this grace period is. It makes you grateful for the benevolence that the company is granting and you make promises to never do it again. As I fan the ember of my dream to go to graduate school, I’m in serious freak out mode. I started the application and by the end of the second page I’m in tears; feeling woefully insignificant, unprepared and unworthy of the whole process. I find the contrast between now and when I first applied before my kidneys failed to be so parallel to my spiritual walk. Initially when I applied and got accepted to grad school, I’ll admit, I was cocky. I had freshly crossed the stage with 2 Bachelor degrees in my hand, a pretty decent GPA and a cloudy view of what I wanted to do with them. My kidneys failing stripped me of almost everything but my tenacity to get another degree. You see, that new degree was going to define me and enable md to say, “yeah, I’m sick, but I’m educated and prosperous”. Perhaps that’s why I couldn’t have it then? At no point was I praying to God or even acknowleding Him in the process because I felt I could to it myself since I had done it all alone thus far. Now 13 years, numerous surgeries and a broken and humbled spirit and heart, I’m struggling not only with my identity, but I see that if God doesn’t go with me or direct my path, then I probably shouldn’t be on that road. I’m applying to my dream school, for my dream degree and I feel so insignificant and unworthy…and then I remembered God loves me anyway.

He loves me when I’m listening to His every word and He loves me when I’m convinced that I know best. He loves me when I can quote an entire chapter from the Bible and He loves me when I forget to anoint my steering wheel with oil and the road rage demon gets ahold of me. I realized that nothing I could do would make me worthy of His love and nothing I could do can remove me from His love. Just like that, I understood Grace.

So I’ve closed my laptop for the night, bowed my head in prayer and acknowledged that God is in control over my life. If the application is accepted, Glory to His Name. If the application gets rejected, Glory to His Name. I know that His Name is worthy of All Honor and All Praise and is Never dependent on my circumstances.

Thank You God​

This past year has been about learning how to trust for me. Learning to trust God, some other folks, but mostly myself. It wasn’t easy and frankly it still isn’t. Each situation requires a deep breath and a decision on how I’m going to handle what’s in front of me. I’m still breathing deeply over some of them, although I don’t know if it’s a trust or attitude issue. I’m a year and a half from my kidney transplant and almost a year from my last surgery. Yay! I’m learning a new normal of how to live well and I’m scared. I never thought this season would arrive in my life where I’m on the other side and now that it’s here I’m nervous. Being well brought some friends with it that I haven’t seen in close to a decade; hopes and dreams. Some dreams are new and they make me itch, I don’t think Benadryl can touch those, but I have one dream whose ember never truly died. Now the flames are roaring back to life and I have a decision to make. Am I going to step out on faith or am I going to let fear of what could happen again hold me hostage?

I’m glad the Bible has people we can relate to and their examples are often the little nudge we need to scoot ahead. John 5:7-9 shows Jesus interrupting a mans’ life. Glory to God!! The man had been an invalid his entire life but he knew that just being by the pool of Bethesda might give him new life, but he couldn’t get in. Jesus showed up and asked the man if he wanted to be made well. I’d like to point out that most preachers would whoop and holler about the man giving Jesus an excuse of why he couldn’t get well by getting in the pool. My view as a person who has battled sickness, what the man offered was not an excuse, it was insight into his psychological state. His statement shows how much hope he’d loss, the self condemnation he held and the resignation he allowed himself to settle into to avoid emotions that were essentially self destructive. I believe Jesus saw and knew all of this; so He gave him an instruction, “Rise, take up your bed and walk”. What a pivotal moment in this mans’ life!! One rife with fear and hope, excitement and wonder, hesitancy and boldness. That’s where I am, right now in my life and like that man, I’m choosing to take up my past and strut into my future.

What decision will you make when your interruption knocks? Answer the door!! A new season awaits you!

​

Can we start telling the entire testimony? How about we stop using well worn church cliches around people who have no idea what they really mean? So while I may be blessed and highly favored, I’m also struggling with a demon I thought had been vanquished a few altar calls ago. It may be true that I’ve been walking with God a long time and I’m not tired yet; what I really mean is I’m not tired at this exact moment because I just got delivered from an issue I’m too ashamed to tell you about.I think it’s time for real, raw transparency; this will fill the seats at church. This will pull people off the streets asking how do they get what we have. We don’t have a religious tradition, we have a real relationship with a Living Savior that loves them too. Don’t let your current blessings make you forget the grace that saved you can save them as well….My Testimony coming soon…​

Sustained…

Perhaps you’ve heard the phrase, “God is a keeper if you want to be kept”. Let me inform you that God is a keeper even if you don’t want to be kept because He has a good work for you to do.

From ages 28-38 I kept looking for the magic words that would free me from the physical hellish prison I felt trapped in. I started out spiritual, “Father, into your hands I commit my spirit” (Luke 23:46); nothing happened. I tried, “It is Finished” (John 19:30); nada. I even went Old Testament, “Take my life for I am no better than my ancestors” (1 Kings 19:4) ; zilch. I decided perhaps this wasn’t a spiritual issue, so I went old school secular. “Abracadabra, Open Sesame, Hocus Pocus, Hokey Pokey”; Nothing worked!! I had reached that place beyond overwhelmingly exhausted and fatigued and all my sight was opaque. I couldn’t formulate new dreams as I watched my old dreams crash and burn, one after the other.

My joy was leaking out slowly as I sincerely then obligatorily celebrated with those around me and the cherry on top was my lack of discerning what season I was in. I’d never been here before, never seen anything like this before and had no frame of reference for how to proceed. Did I fast and pray? Was I supposed to wear sackcloth and ashes? Was I required to touch and agree with every person that crossed my path? What Was I Supposed To Do?!?!?

Wanna know the answer? Nothing. I wasn’t required to do anything. I was expected to feel the validity of my feelings in my situation and respond accordingly. I was to take those feelings and measure them against the Word of God and decide at the crossroad of feelings and Truth which I would allow to dictate my beliefs. For me it wasn’t that much of a struggle to decide, my feelings often depended on the medication I was on. My belief in God is unwavering even in times when I question His presence.

Perhaps like myself and a lot of people you’re at crossroad of deciding what to believe. In the times where “the truth isn’t the truth”, and other such malarkey, don’t you want something steadfast? Christians often get mocked for believing in something beyond themselves, but the peace that comes with that belief is immeasurable. I personally think being sustained is better than being healed. Strange, or do I figure? Glad you asked. If I were to get healed then I would know it was God and Him alone. Others could attribute it to science, medicine, genes or whatever else is floating in their boat. Being sustained is an ongoing process, not always comfortable, but undeniable proof that something or Someone beyond me is at work. If you knew how many times doctors have looked me in my eyeball and asked me how am I alive, you’d believe too. My snark always rises in this moment as I respond, “don’t you know?”. No one has to tell me God is real, but allow me to tell you the God Is Real! He is not only real but He is looking for a relationship with You!!

Think about, pray about it, question it, ask Him to make Himself known so that you might see and understand. In the meantime:

Numbers 6:24-26 The Message (MSG)

²⁴ God bless you and keep you,

²⁵ God smile on you and gift you,

²⁶ God look you full in the face
    and make you prosper.

I think I’m in labor. No, I’m not pregnant with child; I’m pregnant with purpose. What started out as a zygote is now looking like something I can see on a screen. It’s been growing and fermenting all this time that I was fighting battles for my life. The center of the battlefield has shifted and the goalpost is moving. I was so preoccupied with the physical health issues I faced that I buried my ideas underground for a time when I could truly focus on them. Problem is, my physical battle has lasted a decade and I almost couldn’t remember where I buried the little nuggets. Now my health is stabilizing, the pain is no longer debilitating and clarity has wiped away the fogginess in my mind.

There are murmurings in my head and I can no longer sleep through the night. Wait, I’ve been here before. I’ve got this added feeling that I need to heal people, but what does that even mean? God knows I’m not a doctor and my memory is now so short I forgot what I was about to say. Really. I’m reminded that one of my strengths is my compassion. We are more than the sum of our health, wealth and mistakes; So Much More. Sometimes we get stuck on a page in our lives, good or bad, and we camp out there forgetting that our work is not complete. Don’t feel bad, I did it too. I allowed the sum of my health issues to override everything else in my life…and I do mean Everything.

The last decade has left me with some issues that I don’t believe I had before; people. I can handle one, maybe two, but just one more person has me asking God for a quick boost of calm or a Zoloft, whichever He feels I need the most. FYI: I believe in Jesus, therapy and medication, granted I might be a little heavy-handed on the medication, but just for me, the rest of y’all follow the instructions. Just pray for me, I’m not an addict, but I do like quick fixes and I’ve had just about enough of pushing through issues, I’m tired. So I can speak to a couple of folks, but what about the rest that my reluctance won’t let me get to? That’s why I write. I’m writing because I sound like a mashup of Minnie Mouse and Tweety Bird and I’m just downright shy. My shyness is fading because my transparency is setting me free. Can you see yourself in me? Do you see how I’m being sustained and believing that Jehovah will sustain you too?

Get Ready World, I’m writing again and believing someone will get healed from me dealing with my brokenness…Is it you?

God! 

I see you, I feel you, I see your handiwork, but.

The atmosphere is shifting, change is coming, something is approaching, but.

I’ve done all I knew to do, taken all the steps, remembered all the scriptures, but.

My focus strays to the right and I notice all that I had hoped to have accomplished and then I start to feel anxious and panicked about how far I’ve gotten from my timeline. It appears all my plans and preparation was for nothing. How’d I get here?

My attention roams to the left and I remember all that I’ve been through and I’m grateful and equally crushed by the fear that perhaps those problems will come again. How do I know I’ve learned the lessons from that cycle of issues? What if I missed one? Oh God!

I refocus on what’s in front of me, close my eyes and take that first tentative step forward. I can hear you God and as long as I stay tuned to your voice I’ll keep stepping forward. My anxiety melts away as I remind myself that you know where I’m going. Worry flees from my presence as I recall the accomplishments of Biblical Characters as they pressed through this first stage of faith.

Papa, grant me patience as I eagerly await what I’ve been preparing for; Your Will.

Amen 💖

I used to hear at church, “your arms are too short to box with God”. I thought it an odd phrase because I didn’t want to fight God, I just wanted to understand some things. I also grew up hearing that being mad at God was a sin; I decided to book my first class ticket to hell that day because I was a boiling cauldron of anger. I recognize now that my parents and their peers were remnants of slavery and may have transposed characteristics between God and the master, so they could only teach what they knew. When I was younger, I watched WWE and all the entertainment that it provided. My readers’ imagination would picture being in the ring with God while the audience whoops, hollers and places bets. I could see God sitting on a throne in His corner, wearing a white traveling robe because you know His everyday one would fill the room. I would be in my corner putting my mouth piece in, getting last minute tips from decent church folks I had no intention of listening to, and wrapping my gloves to make sure they held tight. The bell would ring us into round one and I’d rush to the middle ducking and weaving, building up a good sweat. I’d start to feel that lactic acid and I’d start “taunting “ God. Imagine! Reminding Him of all my failures and dashed hopes and shredded dreams; giving Him examples of people I deemed unworthy that had possession of my blessings. God would  just sit there calmly, letting me vent and expel my emotions as He looks lovingly at me. Of course that just makes me mad because why isn’t He engaging? After about 20 minutes of my shenanigans, I plop down in the middle of the ring exhausted, spent and mildly frustrated. It is at this point that I imagine God reaching out His hand and asking me if I feel better. I take a moment to consider myself and find that yes, I do indeed feel better; I feel heard, empty and peaceful. God then picks me up and we leave the building because He has a purpose for me to pursue and my issues wouldn’t let me see it…now that I’m an empty vessel, I can.​

Today I had the BLUES!! No obvious reason and no motivation to figure it out. This heat is disrespectful and it dawned on me that it’s my first summer in a couple of years that I’ve experienced it. See, I’ve always been hospitalized almost from start to finish of summer. Humph.
I decided not to investigate my melancholy but rather wallow in it. I don’t know how comfortable pigs in mud really are, but I was most uncomfortable. I listen to music all the time, but today the lyrics just weren’t reaching me, how strange. I sent my sister a text quickly explaining how I was feeling and asked her not to call or worry. Didn’t know what was going on but I knew enough to know that this wasn’t a touch and agree situation. I also knew she would pray if she couldn’t participate.
I’ve gotten to the tediousness of book writing; editing and formatting 😣. I have plenty to keep me busy, but this busy doesn’t look like what I’m used to busy looking like so I feel stagnant and useless and very much like a loser. Half a box of sugar free popsicles later I turned on my podcasts. Two podcasts later I’ve finished formatting and have started three posts in my phone. It’s now dinner time and this is the result:
What did you do? Not today, but in general? When we get before God, that is what He’s going to ask. As a husband, what did you do with the family He gave you? As a mother, what did you do with the children He gave you? Simply as a person, what did you do with the talents, gifts, resources He gave you? I’ll be honest, today I was digging in the dirt to bury my talent because I struggle with significance and grace. That’s my group text for the week, finding and understanding both.
When I see Jesus…(Amen)…sorry Song Tourette moment. But really when I get asked, “What did you do with the testimony and gift of expression I gave you”? I think I’ll actually have an answer 💖
Thank you God